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[–]Hubso 121 points122 points ago

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I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.

[–]workacct1000 29 points30 points ago

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Thomas J. Grasso

[–]C_IsForCookie 13 points14 points ago

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Shit, you weren't kidding. I thought it was a joke...

[–]MrTulip 92 points93 points ago

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tell my wife i said..hello.

[–]zeppelin_one 20 points21 points ago

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[–]sean36 35 points36 points ago

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What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?

[–]naikrovek 28 points29 points ago

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Sir! It's the beige alert!

[–]sli 10 points11 points ago

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With enemies, you know where you stand! But with neutrals...

[–]Shizzo 557 points558 points ago

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After I'm dead, I want my ashes to be mixed with my wife's chilli so I can tear that ass up one more time.

[–]birthday-skeleton 275 points276 points ago

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THIS CONTRACT IS SEALED

[–]imstuckonatrain 24 points25 points ago

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And the Novelty Account of the Year award goes to...

birthday-skeleton!!

applause

[–]The-Jerk 12 points13 points ago* 

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I'm afraid I have NO IDEA what this novelty account means.

edit: Yo.......... thanks.

[–]imstuckonatrain 16 points17 points ago

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http://imgur.com/niUtO.jpg

It was on reddit maybe a month or two ago? Personally it's one of my favorites.

[–]ecko3r1 6 points7 points ago

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is that kid's hair supposed to double as a ruler?

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points ago

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[–]warnerrr 42 points43 points ago

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[–]bechus 10 points11 points ago

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Made you eat your parents, nanananananah!

[–]dick122 14 points15 points ago

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Happy birthday!

[–]Shizzo 24 points25 points ago

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Thanks.

I've been sentenced to death on my Reddit Birthday....

[–]E_lucas 5 points6 points ago

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...suh-prize...

[–]jooze 109 points110 points ago

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Fuck it, we'll do it live.

[–]sviddle 2 points3 points ago

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I'll write it and we'll do it live...this fucking thing sucks!

[–]Aperture_Kubi 100 points101 points ago

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Executioner: Any last words?

Me: Yes, just three.

Executioner: . . .

[–]PhilxBefore 6 points7 points ago

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Self-referential sentence?

[–]Aperture_Kubi 15 points16 points ago

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Whitest Kids U Know sketch reference.

[–]Ijustdoeyes 208 points209 points ago

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About to be executed AMA.

[–][deleted] 70 points71 points ago

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Proof!!? Citation!!?? TROLL!!!!

[–]bechus 97 points98 points ago

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Paw Paw?

[–]freehat 22 points23 points ago

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Why are you EVERYWHERE?

[–]sweetlurker 27 points28 points ago

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For reddit so loved the internet, as to give its only begotten Son; that whosoever upvoteth him, may not perish, but may have karma everlasting.

[–]bechus 4 points5 points ago

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magic.

[–]arcelios 9 points10 points ago

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Pics or it didn't happen.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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Lethal injection by mayonnaise?

[–]jooze 16 points17 points ago

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Can we get a gold star on this?

[–]Just_Dude 4 points5 points ago

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I won't comment until we can verify your corpse.

[–]redditisforsheep 5 points6 points ago

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They see me trollin'...

[–]wristcontrol 2 points3 points ago

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I'm baitin'...

[–]chinaberry 43 points44 points ago

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I'm scared Dave, will I dream?

[–]M_Me_Meteo 8 points9 points ago

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Daisy...daissyy....giiivvveeee meeee yyyooouuurrr aaaannnssswwweeeerrrr trrrruuueeee.

[–]Naberius 92 points93 points ago

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Why haven't I leaped yet, Al?

[–]planetmatt 39 points40 points ago

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Ziggy says there's a 100% probability that you are insane and both he and I are a figment of your fucked mind and you will die.

[–]mockindignant 11 points12 points ago

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Oh boy.

[–]bwbeer 2 points3 points ago

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Duh duh dun dun da do da!

[–]cdigioia 2 points3 points ago

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Dun dun dun dunnna dun! Dooh-weeh-oh.

[–]mrkenneh 76 points77 points ago

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Tim Minchin:

"Who's the world going to revolve around now?"

[–]hackysack 13 points14 points ago

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The fat dude.

[–]shanem222 35 points36 points ago

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Gabe Newell.

[–][deleted] 32 points33 points ago

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GODDAMNIT MAN, I WANT TO PLAY HALF LIFE.

[–]naikrovek 12 points13 points ago

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so play it. if you mean episode 3, THEN I AGREE WITH YOU GODDAMNIT.

[–]Stanitarium 35 points36 points ago

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So long and thanks for all the fish.

[–]The_Duchess 105 points106 points ago

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Times up, let's do this! LEROOOOOOOOY JJJJENKINS!

[–]flarkenhoffy 42 points43 points ago

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God dammit, Leroy.

[–]jcoe 16 points17 points ago

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Atleast he has chicken.

[–]wbeavis 6 points7 points ago

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At least you've got chicken.

[–]waffleninja 99 points100 points ago

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I drank what?

-Socrates

[–]werealldoodshey 24 points25 points ago

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"i need this parade like a need a hole in the head" -JFK

[–]blix797 12 points13 points ago

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"This play is so boring, would somebody PLEASE shoot me" -Abraham Lincoln

[–]jooze 123 points124 points ago

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And I would've gotten away with it too, it if weren't for you meddling kids!

[–]interspecies 168 points169 points ago

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Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine...

[–]mockindignant 90 points91 points ago

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Oh, I'm afraid this chair is quite operational...

[–]Radar20 13 points14 points ago

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Thanks, my boss heard me laugh at work.

[–]deusnefum 21 points22 points ago

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No! Don't let your boss know you're still capable of laughter. They'll find out your soul is not entirely crushed and will have to send you to a corporate wellness class to drive out the last bits of sanity and humanity left in you.

[–]dfritter4 14 points15 points ago

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Yeeeeaaaahh, I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday.

[–]keeganFG 24 points25 points ago

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haha what is this from?

[–]VapidStatementsAhead 27 points28 points ago

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Weekend at Bernie's 2: Electric Boogaloo

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points ago

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Milo and Otis

[–]elbekko 18 points19 points ago

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Teletubbies.

[–]lordofthederps 57 points58 points ago

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The Matrix.

[–]the04dude 33 points34 points ago

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Debbie does Dallas

[–]jim258kelly 16 points17 points ago

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Pretty sure it's either Angels in the Outfield or Field of Dreams, I always get those two mixed up.

[–]turchenko 13 points14 points ago

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Backdoor Sluts 9

[–]ghostchamber 8 points9 points ago

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It's something Barbara Walters said in an interview with Frank Sinatra when he became aggressive.

[–]Epistaxis 12 points13 points ago

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Star Trek

[–]xutopia 5 points6 points ago

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Lord of the rings.

[–]jardeon 6 points7 points ago

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Glenn Close said it in Hook

[–]to0muchfreetime 13 points14 points ago

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I should downvote you for your ignorance...

But this is so stupid it needs to be seen. Upvote.

[–]keeganFG 9 points10 points ago

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:( You insulted me and gave me an upvote? So many conflicting emotions.

[–]DeaconBlues 4 points5 points ago

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Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!

[–]shipshipship 174 points175 points ago

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Consequences will never be the same.

[–]TuctDape 74 points75 points ago

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You dun goofed

[–]ani625 40 points41 points ago

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I BACKTRACED IT

[–]Liberty_Prime 18 points19 points ago

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YOUVE BEEN REPORTED TO THE CYBER POLICE

[–]IdesOfMarch 29 points30 points ago

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Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. (to quote Mr. Wilde)

[–]nogutsnoglory 7 points8 points ago

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He was also reported to have ordered a bottle of the hotel's most expensive champagne to later say: I am dying beyond my means.

(Wikipedia: Famous last words)

[–]perfectheat 28 points29 points ago

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Unquote.

[–]Learz 52 points53 points ago

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I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

[–]thesavagemonk 113 points114 points ago

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My only regret is that I have Boneitis!

[–]Libertarian-Centrist 22 points23 points ago

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Every time I see the commercials for Boniva all I can think is that it sounds like a cure for boneitis.

[–]Illadelphian 14 points15 points ago

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That's a funny name for a horrible disease.

[–]cloudpants 6 points7 points ago

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With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!

[–]bennjammin 22 points23 points ago

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With my last breath I curse Zoidberg!

[–]puffybaba 10 points11 points ago

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Hurray! Somebody mentioned me!

/Zoidberg

[–]bennjammin 4 points5 points ago

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My doctorate is in art history!

-Zoidberg

[–]hoptomyschool 22 points23 points ago

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On a more serious note. Actual last statements from death row inmates from Texas.

http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/executedoffenders.htm

[–]thenumberZED 5 points6 points ago

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Some of these are beautiful last statements. "They are the abstract and brief chronicles of the time: after your death you were better have a bad epitaph than their ill report while you live."

[–]fstorino 4 points5 points ago

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Yeah. The only statement I want to make is that I am an innocent man - convicted of a crime I did not commit. I have been persecuted for 12 years for something I did not do. From God's dust I came and to dust I will return - so the earth shall become my throne. I gotta go, road dog. I love you Gabby. [Remaining portion of statement omitted due to profanity.]

Cameron Todd Willingham's statement makes me really really sad/mad.

[–]Wallaedes 39 points40 points ago

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Beam me up Scotty. ... Scotty?

[–][deleted] 69 points70 points ago

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I've been holdin in my urge to poop for a week. Good luck on the clean up, Uncle Fuckas! ...peace out?

[–]reiduh 17 points18 points ago

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Oh, he made a poop joke.

A CLEAN POOP JOKE

but messy

[–]mrmonopoly25 132 points133 points ago

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Respawn in 5...4...3...2...1

[–]bechus 258 points259 points ago

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Abortion doctors = spawn campers

[–]PoliteIndecency 63 points64 points ago

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You have to spawn first before you can be fragged.

[–]emkat 87 points88 points ago

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Now we're getting to the whole spawning at conception debate.

[–]Nexxxeh 23 points24 points ago

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Jesus saves, Pagans respawn.

[–]Pwnscone 16 points17 points ago

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Voltaire - on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan - Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

[–]Wallaedes 15 points16 points ago

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The Aristocrats!

[–]cavsie 13 points14 points ago

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How bout this for a headline in tomorrow's paper? French fries!

  • James French, convicted murderer, in the electric chair

[–]joshak 15 points16 points ago

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chmod a-x

[–]avapoet 12 points13 points ago

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sudo chmod a-x

FTFY. I doubt you have permission otherwise.

[–]TheCoelacanth 3 points4 points ago

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As long as he owns himself he does.

[–]HunterIrked 3 points4 points ago

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I knew I made a bad decision selling my soul to the devil...

[–]jorsiem 14 points15 points ago

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Idk about mine but my favorite from real life are from Serial killer Carl Panzram. His last words were reportedly, "Hurry it up, you Hoosier bastard! I could kill 10 men while you're fucking around!"

[–]VerySpecialK 14 points15 points ago

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I like turtles

[–]squirtlesquirtle 4 points5 points ago

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they can't execute Jonathan the Zombie, he's already dead!

[–]sir_elric 13 points14 points ago

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More weight.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]reahidru 37 points38 points ago

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Sadly the executioner is not me, but he can smell like me if he stops bathing and wears a dirty orange jumpsuit.

Look down now back up. Where am I? I've escaped to that place you don't know about.

Look again. Your guns are now diamonds!

[–]blix797 15 points16 points ago

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I'm in a chair.

[–]Wonderfat 5 points6 points ago

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These straps are now diamonds, I'm on a horse.

And then you would ride away to freedom.

[–]TheOneGaffer 76 points77 points ago

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"YOU KNOW WHAT? pointing to individuals FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, YOU'RE ACTUALLY ALRIGHT, AND MOST OF ALL, FUCK YOU. I'M OUT, BITCHES."

[–]MoosePilot 6 points7 points ago

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They killed Killer B!!!!

[–]atworkaccount 14 points15 points ago

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I wish I spent more time at the office.

[–]trustmeep 5 points6 points ago

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Appropriate. Now get back to work.

[–]jooze 12 points13 points ago

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FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

[–]NonsensicalAnalogy 225 points226 points ago

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This is like fucking a carebear in the ear and not understanding fondue.

[–]userx9 284 points285 points ago

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Ctrl+f "fucking a carebear in the ear" -> upvote.

[–]ApathyJacks 116 points117 points ago

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Wait.

What.

[–]punzada 25 points26 points ago

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I can just imagine a mind that actually goes through this, "one day, one day someone else will post about fucking a carebear in the ear ... oh ... oh my, YES YES YES!"

[–]Deep-Thought 19 points20 points ago

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you get me every fucking time!

[–]ParadoxicalPegasi 14 points15 points ago

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Usually, there's a lot of other stuff to read through before you actually hit the analogy. This time I didn't even have a chance :(.

[–]reid5425 8 points9 points ago

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One of the first times I've read the username before reading the comment...it was a good choice

[–]Kitanax 11 points12 points ago

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Death is but a doorway. Time is but a window. I'll be back.

[–]CarlWearsPrada 10 points11 points ago

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I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do and FREAK OUT. I just wanna know. Who's comin with me?

[–][deleted] 42 points43 points ago

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Thou shalt not kill.

[–]travisklein 76 points77 points ago

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Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

[–]goldencat 20 points21 points ago

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See you in another life, brotha!

[–]Stanley_Goodspeed 3 points4 points ago

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WAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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Michaer!

(Jin)

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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"Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

[–]February12 31 points32 points ago

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Forgive them, father; they know not what they do.

[–]epicgeek 18 points19 points ago

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(infront of firing squad)

Gimme your best shot.

(if able to speak after being shot)

You call that an execution!?

[–]trustmeep 10 points11 points ago

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You'd be better off singing some Pat Benatar .

[–]LurkingGrue 7 points8 points ago

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Get in close, you don’t want to miss. It’ll look bad on your report!

—Woody Allen, Love and Death

[–]mingdamirthless 17 points18 points ago

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I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID!?

[–]capriceragtop 10 points11 points ago

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"I shall tell you a great secret my friend. Do not wait for the last judgement, it takes place every day." - Camus

"To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure." - Dumbledore

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us." - Bukowski

"I wouldn't mind dying in a plane crash. It'd be a good way to go. I don't want to die in my sleep, or of old age, or OD... I want to feel what it's like. I want to taste it, hear it, smell it. Death is only going to happen to you once; I don't want to miss it. " - Jim Morrison

My buddy and I have a pact wherein, should one us lay dying, we'll be by their side so that their last words can be, "the secret is safe." And the rest of his family and friends will be left wondering: what secret?

[–]finerrecliner 41 points42 points ago

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I did it for the lulz.

[–]mockindignant 15 points16 points ago

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[–]ScampAndFries 35 points36 points ago

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Bruce Willis was a ghost, the girlfriend's head was in the box at the end of Se7en, and he killed his wife in Memento! Fuck you all!

[–]razer6 10 points11 points ago

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wow wow wow, I watched memento 3 times and I never saw he killed his wife. What the fuck are you talking about?

[–]generalwinter 16 points17 points ago

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Lenny explains it - his story about Sammy Jankiss is actually him. Sammy was just a con man who he caught; it was actually HIS wife who had diabetes, and he eventually overdosed her by accident when she tested his memory loss.

[–]bobest 8 points9 points ago

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goddam it!

[–]Bouda 9 points10 points ago

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I pooped somewhere and I'm not telling you!

[–]demised 7 points8 points ago

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Wow, this kool-aid tastes great

[–]fbdysurfer 23 points24 points ago

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Stay thirsty may friends!

[–]Emerson3381 23 points24 points ago

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FREEEEEEEDOMMMM!!!!

[–]harriettubman 16 points17 points ago

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"You should just fucking smile and BLOW ME!"

[–]trustmeep 10 points11 points ago

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What I like about your account is how you quote your namesake.

[–]SmartiePuff 24 points25 points ago

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Goodbye losers whom I've always hated!

[–]Morbo 4 points5 points ago

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LOUDER AND SADDER!

[–]Rossoneri 7 points8 points ago

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I don't always die, but when I do, I prefer capital punishment.

[–]thernkworks 6 points7 points ago

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Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.

[–]stoicme 9 points10 points ago

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good luck finding the bomb ;D

[–]bechus 19 points20 points ago

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All right, all right! I did it, and I hid the millions of dollars in the

bzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(that was me in the electric chair, if you didn't catch that part!)

[–]jooze 44 points45 points ago

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thought it was a vu.. eh, fuck it.

[–]freedomischaos 17 points18 points ago

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Luckily for us, cruel and unusual punishment is banned.

[–]aweb31 10 points11 points ago

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Unless you're a soccer player.

[–]pz4 6 points7 points ago

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In a moment, I will be dead. But you, my dear, are ugly. In in the monring, I will be....Oh wait...what?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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Fuck this shit, I'm going to space.

[–]lolinyerface 7 points8 points ago

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I only regret that I have wasted my last words with this regret.

[–]mcren 19 points20 points ago

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Da ambalamps... Bring dem.

[–]Vee_Vee 13 points14 points ago

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One of the following:

1) Does anyone have a dollar they can lend me?
2) You know...I can't stand XKCD.
3) Number one...engage.
4) Freedom of religion should protect ritual sacrifice!
5) Oh, my Facebook password is capital s, lowercase e-r-i-a-l-k-....[dies]
6) Fuck you later!

[–]mastabojangles 19 points20 points ago

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FUCK THE POLICE!

[–]The_Messen9er 16 points17 points ago

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At least this time I didn't get nailed to a cross...

[–]jmcstar 4 points5 points ago

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Make sure and wink after saying this too

[–]nathanaz 13 points14 points ago

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I coulda been a contender

[–]MrSpaceYeti 5 points6 points ago

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I think this is completely unfair; I am the victim of a hypothetical thought experiment. This is an arbitrary murder.

[–]cweaver 5 points6 points ago

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To paraphrase asofterworld:

"Say what you want. We are all going to die. At least I deserve it."

[–]kubrick-crazy-stare 4 points5 points ago

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‎"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"

  • Jack Handey

[–]Nexlon 5 points6 points ago

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Bu I poop from there!

[–]vbl 6 points7 points ago

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I don't always die, but when I do, I prefer lethal injection.

[–]washer 4 points5 points ago

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Fear my bulletproof coccyx!

[–]docotis 6 points7 points ago

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With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!

[–]doppleganger2621 11 points12 points ago

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I would just try and shit my pants BEFORE I died.

[–]pHreaksYcle 25 points26 points ago

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That's the stupidest quote ever.

[–]SpankmasterS 9 points10 points ago

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The Narwhal Bacons at Midnight.

[–]threeminus 6 points7 points ago

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"Seriously. Gimme a handjob."

[–]deviantgent 2 points3 points ago

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I wasn't actually expecting to die...

[–]jboy55 17 points18 points ago* 

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Sorry, no one will ever be able to beat, Frederick Charles Wood, the last man to die at Sing Sing. He won at the last words game.

'When he entered the execution chamber at Sing Sing and was asked for his last words, he smiled and said, "Gentlemen, observe closely as you witness the effect of electricity on Wood."'

http://books.google.com/books?id=qlHIy7GAJ1AC&pg=PA240&lpg=PA240&dq=%22effect+of+electricity+on+wood%22&source=bl&ots=dDMy-GTFSd&sig=PieWzW9frUesBOITtIcHI_jfau0&hl=en&ei=1IFATP2fFZO6sQPTto2TDQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBIQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22effect%20of%20electricity%20on%20wood%22&f=false

[–]Ozwaldo 12 points13 points ago

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what? how are those the best last words ever? because his last name is wood and he's making a play on words that isn't all that clever or relevant anyway?

[–]awood310 8 points9 points ago

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I think its very clever ಠ_ಠ

[–]stumonji 6 points7 points ago

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You wood!

[–]newsun 6 points7 points ago

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"Hey y'all, watch this!"

[–]vajav 6 points7 points ago

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BBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[–]DoctorDeath 2 points3 points ago

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End Program....

[–]Duc_de_Nevers 2 points3 points ago

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1) Look at reflective surface with confused expression. 2) "Oh, boy…"

[–]loopscadoop 2 points3 points ago

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So it goes

[–]feigndad 2 points3 points ago

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Fuck your canoe.

[–]DigitalHubris 2 points3 points ago

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It's opposite day

[–]IOIOOIIOIO 2 points3 points ago

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"Not again!"

[–]widestangle 2 points3 points ago

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So it goes....