What is the best math joke you know?

SometimesY · 7 months

What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

justamathnerd · 7 months

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders a half of a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth begins to order, but the bartender cuts him off, saying "You guys need to know your limits", and putting 2 beers on the bar.

bpsp · 7 months

Of all the primes, 2 is the oddest

makemeking706 · 7 months

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house.

The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

gman2093 · 7 months

I knew a woman in liquor production

with a still of exquisite construction

the alcohol boils

through magnetic coils

she says that it's 'proof by induction'

ingannilo · 7 months

let ε < 0.

(this is best said out loud) "What's the integral of one over cabin d-cabin?"--"log cabin"

propaglandist · 7 months

Don't ask me, ask the professional mathematicians.

A comathematician is a device for turning cotheorems into ffee.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?
A: The trivial elephant bundle on a chicken.

I went to visit him while he was lying ill at the hospital. I had come in taxi cab number 14 and remarked that it was a rather dull number. "No" he replied, "it is a very interesting number. It's the smallest number expressible as the product of 7 and 2 in two different ways."

Hilbert had a student who one day presented him with a paper purporting to prove the Riemann Hypothesis. Hilbert studied the paper carefully and was really impressed by depth of the argument; but unfortunately he found an error in it which even he could not eliminate. The following year the student died. Hilbert asked the grieving parents if he might be permitted to make a funeral oration. While the student's relatives and friends were weeping beside the grave in the rain, Hilbert came forward. He began by saying what a tragedy it was that such a gifted young man had died before he had had an opportunity to show what he could accomplish. But, he continued, in spite of the fact that this young man's proof of the Riemann Hypothesis contained an error, it was still possible that some day a proof of the famous problem would be obtained along the lines which the deceased had indicated. "In fact," he continued with enthusiasm, standing there in the rain by the dead student's grave, "let us consider a function of a complex variable...."

Q. What's the value of a contour integral around Western Europe?
A. Zero. All the Poles are in Eastern Europe.

A poet, a priest, and a mathematician are discussing whether it's better to have a wife or a mistress. The poet argues that it's better to have a mistress because love should be free and spontaneous. The priest argues that it's better to have a wife because love should be sanctified by God. The mathematician says, "I think it's better to have both. That way, when each of them thinks you're with the other, you can do some mathematics."

AgentAnderson · 7 months

The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by. He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smiles, thinking to himself, "Dang, it's great to be e^x. I'm real analytic everywhere. I'm my own derivative. I blow up faster than anybody and shrink faster too. All the other functions suck."

Lost in his own egomania, he collides with the constant function 3, who is running in terror in the opposite direction.

"What's wrong with you? Why don't you look where you're going?" demands e^x . He then sees the fear in 3's eyes and says "You look terrified!"

"I am!" says the panicky 3. "There's a differential operator just around the corner. If he differentiates me, I'll be reduced to nothing! I've got to get away!" With that, 3 continues to dash off.

"Stupid constant," thinks e^x. "I've got nothing to fear from a differential operator. He can keep differentiating me as long as he wants, and I'll still be there."

So he scouts off to find the operator and gloat in his smooth glory. He rounds the corner and defiantly introduces himself to the operator. "Hi. I'm e^x."

"Hi. I'm d/dy."

fleshBasedProcessor · 7 months

How does a mathematician find the area under the curve of a function? They take the integral.

How does a chemist find the are under the curve of a function? They plot many points on a piece of paper, draw a line of best fit, carefully cut out the area under the curve, weigh the piece of paper, and divide the mass by the density per square unit.

goecknerd · 7 months

Why can't you grow wheat in Z mod 6?

Because Z mod 6 isn't a field.

spacelibby · 7 months

A woman walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow. The bartender says, "Hey, no animals are allowed in here." The woman replies, "These are very special animals." "How so?" "They're knot theorists." The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, "I've met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist." "Well, I'll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like." So the bartender asks the dog, "Name a knot invariant." "Arf, arf" barks the dog. The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, "Name a topological invariant." The cow says, "Mu, mu." At this point the bartender turns to the woman, says, "Just what are you trying to pull" and throws them out of the bar.

Outside, the dog turns to the woman and asks, "Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial?"

TenZero10 · 7 months

Ok, here are a few I know.

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "do you each want a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second says "I don't know." The third says "Yep!"
When does a pentagon have four sides? When it intersects a plane.

(If you don't get it, insert "Pentagon". Yes, it's a little off-color.)

And a classic: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing: you can't cross a vector with a scalar.

Whoopska · 7 months

Why didn't the topologist's marriage work out?

He though arbitrary unions were open.

genpfault · 7 months

An engineer, a physicist, and a topologist are subjected to a psychological experiment. The experimenters put each one in a small, separate room with plenty of canned water and canned tuna fish... but no can opener, only pencil and paper to work with. The subjects are locked in and then left to their own devices for a week.

When the week is over, the psychologists return. First they open the engineer's room. The pencil and paper are unused, but the walls are heavily dented, and the engineer is eating happily from a can of tuna fish. He threw the can against the wall until it broke open.

In the physicist's room, a few sheets of paper are covered in calculations, there is one deep dent in the wall, and the physicist is munching tuna. She calculated exactly how she could throw the can against the wall so that it would break open.

The topologist hasn't opened any cans; on the other hand, she's gone. In her place are piles and piles of paper covered with calculations, and all the full cans that were there at the beginning of the experiment. The psychologists search, bewildered, through the mess and come across a can that seems to be making strange noises. They open it--and out crawls a shaken-looking topologist, pencil in hand, covered in tuna fish. "Oops," she mutters. "I must have gotten the sign wrong again."

FrancisHC · 7 months

My personal variation on an old math joke:

Three mathematicians go duck hunting. Sighting their first duck in flight, the applied mathematician carefully calculates his angle of fire, correcting for gravity and wind velocity, and pulls the trigger. Forgetting to correct his path for the acceleration of the duck, he misses to the right. The pure mathematician takes aim, calculating his trajectory based on the apparent motion of the duck, velocity of his projectile and the curvature of the earth. Forgetting to correct for air friction, he misses to the left.

The statistician jumps out of his seat, "We got him!"

ChangeOfTune · 7 months

My proudest creation: So a point walks up to A bar. Ā: Sorry, we're closed.

JodoYodo · 7 months

Q: What is an anagram of Banach-Tarski?

A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

zeropoles · 7 months

Why do mathematicians get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Oct 31 = Dec 25.

toaderina · 7 months

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. Why was six afraid of eight? Induction!

wristrule · 7 months

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician all decide to attend the same conference. The night before the conference, each procures a room in the same hotel.

In the middle of the night while they're sleeping, a fire breaks out in each room simultaneously.

The engineer wakes up, sees the fire, sees the fire extinguisher, puts the fire out, and returns to sleep. The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, sees the fire extinguisher, quickly calculates the optimal angle and pressure with which to pull the fire extinguisher handle, and then puts the fire out and returns to sleep. The mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, sees the fire extinguisher, and confident that there's a solution to the problem, returns to sleep.

Another one: A mathematician, a philosopher, and an engineer are riding a train in Scotland when they look out the window and see a black sheep.

"Ah!" says the engineer, "It must be that all the sheep in Scotland are black!". The philosopher hears this, thinks for a moment, and responds "No, I don't think so. Just one sheep in Scotland must be black." Upon hearing this, the mathematician thinks for a moment and replies "No! Only one side of one sheep in Scotland is black!"

blokhead · 7 months

Q: What's the difference between an extroverted and an introverted mathematician?

A: The extroverted one will look at your shoes when talking to you.

lutusp · 7 months

What is the best math joke you know?

Short and sweet: 8i = ∞

dfranke · 7 months

Some of my own:

Q: What stabs from hell's heart and subsumes most of category theory?

A: Khan extensions.

Q: What's space-filling and tuned to equal temperament?

A: A Piano curve.

Q: What locks itself in a cathedral and can't be constructed in ZFC?

A: An inaccessible cardinal.

Q: What locks itself in a cathdral every Tuesday and can't be constructed in ZFC?

A: A weekly inaccessible cardinal.

Q: What like, err, uhm, uh...?

A: A totally indescribable cardinal.

burningtoad · 7 months

A farmer approaches an physicist, and engineer, and a mathematician with a length of fencing. The farmer is trying to create the largest area for his cattle to graze using that set length of fence.

The physicist creates a square pasture, and says, "close enough!"

The engineer creates a circular pasture, and says, "this is optimal!"

The mathematician wraps the fencing tightly around himself and says, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

Radical3 · 7 months

What did the empty set experience when he realized he couldn't be a group?

A: an identity crisis

An physics department is requesting funding for a new microscope they want to build. The dean is getting fed up with all their requests and asks them "Why can't you be more like the math department? All they ever ask for is pencils, paper, and waste baskets. Or the philosophy department? All they ever ask for is pencils and paper."

a group of academics are asked to determine whether all odd integers are prime.

The mathematician says "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 isn't prime, so no."

The statistician says "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, they're all prime"

The physicist says "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, they're all prime."

The engineer says "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, ..."

dances_with_djs · 7 months

(1)A topologist walks into A-bar and says "Sorry, I didn't realize you were closed."

(2) A topologist is someone who can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground, but can tell their ass from two holes in the ground.

mjd · 7 months

Once Russian physicist Igor Tamm arrived in a neighboring village, at the period when Odessa was occupied by the Reds, and was negotiating with a villager as to how many chickens he could get for a half-dozen silver spoons, when the village was seized by one of the Makhno bands, who were roaming the country harassing the Reds. Seeing his clothes (or what was left of them), the insurgents brought him to the Ataman, a bearded fellow in a tall black for hat with machine-gun cartridge ribbons crossed on his broad chest and a couple of hand grenades in his belt.

"You son-of-a-bitch, you Communist agitator, undermining our mother Ukraine! The punishment is death."

"But no," answered Tamm. "I am a professor at the University of Odessa and have come here only to get some food."

"Rubbish!" retorted the leader. "What kind of professor are you?"

"I teach mathematics."

"Mathematics?" said the Ataman. "All right! Then give me an estimate of the error one makes by cutting of Maclaurin's series at the nth term. Fail, and you will be shot!"

Tamm could not believe his ears…. With a shaking hand, and under the muzzle of the gun, he managed to work out the solution and handed it to the Ataman.

"Correct!" said the Ataman. "Now I see that you really are a professor. Go home!"

–George Gamow, My World Line, 1970.

nemutaineko · 7 months

Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the bathroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"? He repeats "one third x cubed". Her: `one thir dex cubed'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cubed...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "What is the integral of x squared?".

The waitress replies "One third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

oddthink · 7 months

What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.

What's purple, commutes, and has exactly 7 worshippers? A finitely-venerated Abelian grape.

[deleted] · 7 months

Why aren't jokes in base 8 funny? Because 7 10 11.

Why do mathematicians rarely go to the beach? Because they already have sine and cosine to get a tan.

deepwank · 7 months

I have two, one for the layman and one for the mathematician:

1) How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer

2) The Bourbaki became discouraged and stopped writing once they realized Serge Lang was one person.

Dr_David · 7 months

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen.

Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

MrSodium · 7 months

My wife told me she thought that conic sections were the greatest thing ever, but I told her to stop being so hyperbolic.

PARSLEYsage · 7 months

During the Islamic Enlightenment, Al Kowarizmi traveled from Karbala to Constantinople, Alexandria, and Tabriz to deliver lectures at major universities. Before the last lecture, the camel driver said to him, "I have heard your lecture and listened. I do not understand, but I could recite your lecture word-for-word."

To test his driver, they traded clothes. After entering the city, Kowarizmi tied the camels and sat in the back of the lecture hall while the driver ascended the stage. Sure enough, the driver was able to replicate the arguments and proofs flawlessly from beginning to end, and reached the same conclusions in astrology, conics, and physics.

At the end, a student in the back raised his hand and asked a very thoughtful question. The then-speaker rolled his eyes, and quickly shot back, "How dare you ask me a question so trivial, so banal, that a simple camel driver could answer?"

talkloud · 7 months

What do mathematicians do when they're constipated?

Work it out with a pencil.

AgentAnderson · 7 months

A carpenter was working a temporary job as a farmhand on a snake farm (where venom was harvested in order to produce anti-venom). This particular season, the farm was having trouble getting some of the snakes to breed, especially the cobras and black adders. But the carpenter had an idea to solve this: he went out behind the toolshed and got some logs of firewood, and then used his furniture-making skills to carve them into tables. Then, when he placed the snake cages on top of the tables, sure enough, the snakes started to reproduce. The reason this worked is because even adders can multiply with log tables.

MaximKat · 7 months

A group of physicists and a group of mathematicians travel to a conference by train. Physicists have bought a ticket each, while mathematicians bought only one ticket for the whole group. When the train departs, mathematicians go to the bathroom together. The conductor knocks, they crack the door open and provide a ticket. The conductor assumes that there is only one person inside and leaves.

On the way back from the conference physicists buy one ticket, while mathematicians buy none. Physicists go to the bathroom together, wait for the knock and provide their ticket. Mathematicians grab the ticket and run to the bathroom in the next car.

Moral: physicists should be very careful when trying to apply mathematical ideas.

jbstjohn · 7 months

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

A: elephant grape sine theta

Browsing_From_Work · 7 months

"Ballpark... about a thousand."

Kijad · 7 months

This is one of my favorites.

napkinlad · 7 months

Your mom's so fat she's almost everywhere.

nrg_uw · 7 months

A poet, a doctor, and a mathematician were discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress.

The poet said, "A mistress is by far better. The passion and energy will inspire your work."

The doctor said, "A wife is by far better. The stability is good for your stress level and overall health."

The mathematician said, "It is best to have both a wife and mistress."

Thinking the mathematician was a straight-laced fellow, the doctor and poet stared at him in shock.

The mathematician continued, "If you have both, the wife will think you are with your mistress, your mistress will think you are with your wife, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

fogpokingcatalogue · 7 months

These are all so derivative...

NiBuch · 7 months

Why does 0 have such a hard time finding a job?

It doesn't have a degree.

Browsing_From_Work · 7 months

Q: What did the guy with a math degree and a job say to the guy with a math degree but no job?
A: "Paper or plastic?"

Let the downvotes begin!

aussiegolfer · 7 months

Why don't jokes in octal work?

Because 7 10 11.

thehotelambush · 7 months

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

robleroble · 7 months

What's yellow normed and complete? A banana-nach space

RockofStrength · 7 months

This site is full of gems.

[deleted] · 7 months

"I really want to end on a positive note... Would you settle for two negatives?" -Woody Allen

spikedmath · 7 months

∀∀∃∃

Snakes ⊂ ℝ²

Every base is base 10.

Real analysis takes balls.

stroopsaidwhat · 7 months

Pi and i got into an argument. Pi told i "I'm just keeping it real." i said to pi, "No, you're being irrational."

Heaps_Flacid · 7 months

Math jokes are the first sine of madness.

SirElkarOwhey · 7 months

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are riding in a train which crosses from England to Scotland. Looking out the window, they see a black sheep.

The engineer says "Look! The sheep in Scotland are black!"

The physicist says "Don't jump to conclusions! All we know for sure is that some of the sheep in Scotland are black."

The mathematician says "Strictly speaking, all we know for sure is that that object, which appears to be a sheep, appears to be black on the side facing us."

mamalujo · 7 months

Math graffiti: Kilroy wasn't Haar. Free the group. Nuke the kernel. Power to the n. N=1 => P=NP.

(from marginal notes in Knuth's Concrete Mathematics)

another thing that comes to mind, though not quite a joke, is Lem's poem about love and tensor algebra (in English translation, no idea if its as good in original Polish)

http://people.ee.duke.edu/~wrankin/misc/tensor.html

snippet:

In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space

Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.

Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,

We shall encounter, counting, face to face.

magister0 · 7 months

Pretty much any joke told by Bill sin(b)/tan(b)

Radical3 · 7 months

Why did the jewish mathematician prefer the caternary to the parabola?

A: Because it was cosh-er

[deleted] · 7 months

This farmer ordered a bunch of new bulls for his farm, but got a box of donuts instead.

This one is even worse:

Q: What do you call a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

NaitMare · 7 months

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Lavaburst · 7 months

The volume of a cylinder with radius z and height a can be expressed as pi * z * z * a

megastrone · 7 months

When a topologist says that he waited in a long line, he waited in a really long line.

supersymmetry · 7 months

I think I said this before but the most clever one I know is:

Q: What does the 'B' stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot

A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot

EDIT: Someone already said it, haha! Give the upvotes to SometimesY.

robleroble · 7 months

How about my favorite math limerick?

[;   \left( \int_1^{\sqrt[3]{3}} t^2 dt \right) \times \cos\frac{3 \pi}{9} = \frac{1}{3} \ln e    ;]

The integral of t squared dt

From one to the cube root of 3

Times the Cosine

Of 3 pi over nine

Is one third the ln of e

nicko68 · 7 months

My high school physics teacher told us this one...

An Indian chief had three wives who were preparing to give birth, one on a buffalo hide, one on a bear hide and the third on a hippopotamus hide. In due course, the first gave him a son, the second a daughter, and the third, twins, a boy and a girl, thereby illustrating the well known theorem that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

neutronicus · 7 months

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer.

The bartender rolls his eyes, pours two beers, and says "I'm cutting you all off. You should know your limits."

myshtuff · 7 months

What do mathematical mermaids wear?

Algae-bras..................

robleroble · 7 months

How can you tell when a mathematician likes you?

They look at your shoes when they're talking to you

tshep · 7 months

Close only counts in 2 things...... calculus and hand grenades.

xwhy · 7 months

A cylinder with a radius of z and a height of a has a Volume of pi z z a.

Okay, so it works better illustrated.

theguy5 · 7 months

When the anal gets complex, you'll get residue around your pole.

you'll need to login or register to do that

create a new account

login