this post was submitted on
1,514 points (74% like it)
2,313 up votes 799 down votes
top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 720 points721 points ago

Why in the world are you staying awake for so long?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 766 points767 points ago

What a mildly interesting question. I picked up an extra shift at work so my buddy could celebrate his birthday.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 648 points649 points ago

What kind of amazing job do you have that allows you the ability to reddit through the evening?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 769 points770 points ago

I'm basically just a glorified night guard. Guarding a room full of computers against the dangers of the outside world.

[–]zebrawarrior 177 points178 points ago

Don't they have security systems for this kind of thing?

[–]Babyrape_McMethlab 762 points763 points ago*

Yeah, they're called night guards.

[–]drjesus616 4 points5 points ago

i must make rounds every 2 hours that take around 5-10 minutes, but i do this same thing ... i watch the locked front door to make sure no one tries to open it, and occasionally look at the CCTV's to make sure the world is not on fire

[–]SHFT 94 points95 points ago

You're a good friend.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 871 points872 points ago

How big is your penis.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 1062 points1063 points ago

Why thank you.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 813 points814 points ago

That was a question; how big is your penis?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 1142 points1143 points ago

Oh. You need to work on your puntuation my friend. Unfortunately the topic of my penis is far too interesting for this particular subreddit. Ask me again on r/thingsthatarelegendary.

[–]doginabathtub 219 points220 points ago

That place doesn't exist.

[–]2FishInATank 328 points329 points ago

...yet...

[–]flume 121 points122 points ago

You man the guns, I'll drive!

[–]Thomhobbes 71 points72 points ago

Wait for it...

[–]HerToxicLips 49 points50 points ago

Waiting...

[–]checkforswampleeches 50 points51 points ago

Waitinging...

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]HerToxicLips 39 points40 points ago

Huzzah!

[–]spacemanspiff30 26 points27 points ago

And thus I was able to see the birth of a subreddit

[–]exaltedbladder 54 points55 points ago

This should be a standard question on /r/IAMA sort of like whatos.

Ali Larter, How big is your penis.

I kid, I kid, this is a horrible idea.

[–]warboy 69 points70 points ago

False, this is a great idea.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 519 points520 points ago

If you were to grow a mustache, what kind of mustache would you want?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 770 points771 points ago

[–]doginabathtub 213 points214 points ago

Do you really feel like you could live up to all the qualities that accompany such a 'stache?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 500 points501 points ago

Alas no, such a thing is beyond my ken.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 649 points650 points ago

Well is it beyond your barbie?

[–]daychilde 45 points46 points ago

Ach! Crivens!

...if that made sense, join us in /r/discworld. :)

[–]senopahx 35 points36 points ago

My god... there's a Discworld subreddit? My people!

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 760 points761 points ago

What is your favorite constelation?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 912 points913 points ago

Well first off, it's spelled constellation. Secondly, I appreciate all of the cosmos in it's vast, near/possible infinity.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 871 points872 points ago

It seems like you're trying to cop out of answering the question. I don't appreciate that. This is a crap AMA.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 995 points996 points ago

Hey now, no need to get hostile. I guess if i had to pick one it would be Andromeda. I could always pick that one out when I was a kid. Would really impress the scout leader when we were cuddled up together.

[–]krigney 515 points516 points ago

wut

[–]ThingsTrebekSucks 323 points324 points ago

Ah the good 'ol days of cuddling up with the scoutmaster as he rubs your back while looking up at the vast universe.

[–]sukitrebek 318 points319 points ago

i found my name twin. hello twin

[–]fetuswiener 170 points171 points ago

Glad I got to witness this moment.

[–]robreddity 48 points49 points ago

Doesn't it just put everything into perspective, Canteen Boy?

[–]MrSnare 33 points34 points ago

isn't Andromeda a galaxy and not a constellation?

[–]General_Mayhem 61 points62 points ago

It's both. The galaxy is so named because it's in the middle of the Andromeda constellation, as seen from Earth.

[–]pooticus 4 points5 points ago

Oh canteen boy?..

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 497 points498 points ago

What is your favorite linux based operating system?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 501 points502 points ago

Ubuntu.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 548 points549 points ago

You're just copying Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. I bet you don't even know what Ubuntu OR linix is!!

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 661 points662 points ago

ok you caught me. :/

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 398 points399 points ago

Who do you think would enjoy this subreddit the most, out of anyone in the world?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 502 points503 points ago

[–]doginabathtub 144 points145 points ago

I like that guy.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 361 points362 points ago

.... How?

[–]aptadnauseum 71 points72 points ago

But... but... he's the worst!

[–]krl1327 114 points115 points ago

Nope, she is.

[–]aptadnauseum 41 points42 points ago

She's just a roof-of-mouth-burn waiting to happen. And she ruins everything... But she's got nothing on Toby.

[–]swanheart 24 points25 points ago

She's the AT&T of people. Only Michael hates Toby!

[–]_pagan_poetry_ 34 points35 points ago

She is the opposite of Batman.

[–]bht123 24 points25 points ago

if i had a gun with two bullets and i was i a room with hitler, bin laden and toby. i would shoot toby twice

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 697 points698 points ago

It's been said that you don't like Cheetos. Is this true?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 724 points725 points ago

yes.

[–]aptadnauseum 375 points376 points ago

WHY THE FUCK NOT?!?!

[–]forrestke18 90 points91 points ago

Read this in Cartman's voice.

[–]cautioncarnival 100 points101 points ago

Puffy and crunchy Cheetos? Because I hate the puffy ones but the crunchy ones are good occasionally.

[–]derptyherp 156 points157 points ago

Screw you, power to the puff.

[–]lLoveLamp 104 points105 points ago

I personally hate the puffy ones but love the crunchy ones. If that interests anyone, I could do an AMA

[–]craftynerd 37 points38 points ago

Have you tried them as a dipper? I'm 9 months pregnant and have experimented dipping them in various food items. So far the best was applesauce.

[–]strayclown 123 points124 points ago

At nine months pregnant your taste buds are not to be trusted.

[–]CoronelBuendia 35 points36 points ago

Really we could just say at a [9]. Basically the same effect...

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 943 points944 points ago

If you were stranded on a dessert island what is one thing that you think you would need for survival?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 1107 points1108 points ago

A spoon.

[–][deleted] 225 points226 points ago

Good god, why am I giggling so much at that response.

[–]NotCheGuevara 57 points58 points ago

Ha ha, dessert. Ahhh. . .

[–]I_Robbed_Bob 86 points87 points ago

Why not a spork?! its a spoon and a fork in one!

[–]Godranks 178 points179 points ago

We don't like your kind here.

[–]graffplaysgod 25 points26 points ago

Kill the infidel!!!

[–]sjoiner95 80 points81 points ago

argument invalid.

[–]tstemm 65 points66 points ago

where the fuck did the L come from in splayd?

[–]invisiblelemur88 46 points47 points ago

...and the Y.

...and the D.

[–]Young_Bonesy 9 points10 points ago

I believe they confused Knife and Blade before they finished the chart, and also misspelt Blade in the process.

[–]alpinemobile 106 points107 points ago

[–]knicksfan21 100 points101 points ago

NO.

[–]StrayCloud 10 points11 points ago

Why the strong aversion? It's not that bad...is it a texture thing? PRE-EDIT: Honestly. I have no idea why this is nightmare-inducing.

[–]TheNuttyIrishman 9 points10 points ago

please tell me that's as fucked up without shrooms as it is now

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 335 points336 points ago

You clearly have a lot of time on your hands. Perhaps you could recommend your favorite tv shows.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 439 points440 points ago

Sure thing. Here are the list of tv shows that I have seen start to finish: BREAKING BAD, THE BIG BANG THEORY, THE OFFICE, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA, PARTY DOWN, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, PARKS AND RECREATION, BBC'S SHERLOCK, BLUE MOUNTAIN STATE, MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE, FAMILY GUY, SOUTH PARK, and WISHBONE (in my younger days of course).

I'll edit this list after I answer some other questions because I know I'm missing some.

[–]popeguy 135 points136 points ago

BBC Sherlock eh? A man of taste and distinction

[–]procrastinate4ever 48 points49 points ago

Ah! Fellow connoisseurs - well met.

[–]Tesseraktion 19 points20 points ago

you might even say he's Sherlocked..

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

Ah! Fellow cognoscentes - well met

[–]Support_HOOP 62 points63 points ago

I'm glad you said Blue Mountain State. It's hilarious, but it never gets any love here

[–][deleted] 49 points50 points ago

Thad Castle has some of the best lines in the history of televisions. "ACKNOWLEDGE!"

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 88 points89 points ago

Acknowledged.

[–]wheresmyfish 166 points167 points ago

hey you should watch community!

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 237 points238 points ago

I'm embarrassed I forgot that one. Forgive me.

[–]polarbear128 66 points67 points ago

Also Spaced. You must watch Spaced.
...
cough um...Spaced.

[–]whatevers_clever 26 points27 points ago

ARCHER, FIREFLY.

[–]cereal_killer7 7 points8 points ago

I watch pretty much all the same shows, you REALLY need to watch Shameless, it is astonishingly amazing and gets no love from anywhere.

[–]afcagroo 17 points18 points ago

You didn't list JUSTIFIED. This is a major oversight.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 580 points581 points ago

If you had one wish what would it be?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 787 points788 points ago

Well I would've wished to become a huge reddit celeb like Forthewolfx, but since that's been done already I guess my second choice would be for world peace. . . Or global domination. Really depends on where I'm at in my day.

[–]norseman23 204 points205 points ago

congratulations on your wish being granted, ZargonsBeard

[–]neon_overload 65 points66 points ago

Arrrr, I don't see no world peace or global domination...

[–]_deffer_ 41 points42 points ago

q

Q

QUEUE

CUE

[–]CptOblivion 41 points42 points ago

kyew

[–]APunchInTheTeeth 241 points242 points ago

If you had the choice, would you fight three snakes or one snake. But here's the twist... the one snake has arms

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 763 points764 points ago

Just the one. The scene would go something like this.

Imagine a medieval jousting ring. The armed snake slithers alone in the center. I approach it tentativly in my chainmail armor. Chainmail so I can be light on my feet. "You came. I didn't think you'd come once you found out I had these!!" The snake bellows and flexes his arms, which strangely enough are all bicep. "That's what your mother said last night, but she was talking about her breasts." I retort. "Hmmph," the snake snorts. "You've got a lot to learn about the snake anatomy. Snakes don't have breasts hahaha," the snake guffaws loudly. "Ah," say I, with a knowing smile on my face. "Perhaps it is you who needs the anatomy lesson." With this I hoist my weapon skyward, The Snake in the Grass, a quick anatomy lesson: Volume Four and shout out "Snakes don't have arms either." The snake shrieks knowing he's been beaten, and disintegrates into ash, beaten by this sudden onslaught of logic. I walk up to the ash stain and urinate on it to the torrential applause of a devoted crowd.

[–]APunchInTheTeeth 97 points98 points ago

[–]vantharion 57 points58 points ago

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 353 points354 points ago

Do you sometimes wonder why you're doing this AMA?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 377 points378 points ago

Just about every character I type on ol' trusty (name of my keyboard). But it really just boils down to which philosophical bend I choose to follow when I get to the "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" intersection.

[–]LegendaryJay 199 points200 points ago

Scientifically and by definition, it doesn't make a sound. It makes a vibration. Sound is only a sound if it is heard. Its kinda like saying: if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, does it make a sight? Not until viewed

[–]Gamoc 132 points133 points ago

I'm not entirely certain if I'm ok with this answer.

[–]Predinchuk 50 points51 points ago

LegendaryJay is right.

Vibrations are received by the ear and the "sounds" that you hear are created by your brain. Sounds require both a source and a receiver.

[–]hydroxyl_ion 5 points6 points ago

LegendaryJay is wrong.

sound is simply a longitudinal wave that propagates through a medium at varying speeds depending on various properties of the medium.

it doesn't require anyone to hear it to exist.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 297 points298 points ago

What are your opinions on bacon based foods?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 434 points435 points ago

Oh I'm definitely pro-bacon. However I think that it should only be served in it's most bacon centric form. When you start adding it to things like cheeseburgers, or pizza, or condoms, you take away from the beauty and raw flavor of the bacon. Thusly you disrespect the bacon. Wasn't the six-and-a-halfth commandment "Thou shalt never disrespect the bacon, or a team of Monty Python cultists shall come forth and smite thee with the HOLY HAND GRENADE". Of course this was followed by the instructions for the Holy Hand Grenade which are long and verbose and don't need to be posted here.

[–]brokenvader 90 points91 points ago

I... I think I love you. DAMMIT.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 227 points228 points ago

What you doing Thursday?

[–]paetactics 77 points78 points ago

brokenvader and I will be having fun with bacon flavoured condoms.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 215 points216 points ago

Not anymore. DIBS

[–]captainzigzag 15 points16 points ago

Please tell me bacon flavoured condoms are already a thing. Because if they aren't, then people are just stupid.

[–]csolisr 13 points14 points ago

"When you start adding it to things like cheeseburgers, or pizza, or condoms" and there you got my point

[–]Concussi0n 83 points84 points ago

Shouldn't a "night guard", guard the night? Like batman?

[–]Zomgwtf_Leetsauce 171 points172 points ago

Nah, he fights the Day Man

[–]Concussi0n 193 points194 points ago

Night Guard, enemy of day man.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 245 points246 points ago

This guy gets it.

[–]_D_a_y__M_a_n_ 93 points94 points ago

so we finally meet, night man...

[–]nightmanyeah 18 points19 points ago

This is Night Man, Yeah...

[–]_D_a_y__M_a_n_ 5 points6 points ago

AAA-AAA-AAAAA!

[–]blue_barracudas 28 points29 points ago

AaaAhhhhhhhh

[–]artifex0 19 points20 points ago

A night guard should guard the night like Batman mans the bat.

[–]Concussi0n 7 points8 points ago

Wrong. He should be the Bat Manner then.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 211 points212 points ago

Hulu Plus, or Netflix?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 242 points243 points ago

It's funny you should ask that because I originally had a netflix account, but it doesn't have the newest episodes of the tv shows that I like so I just got Hulu Plus today to try it out. We'll see how it goes.

[–]ed2417 204 points205 points ago

Verified?

[–]doginabathtub[M] 238 points239 points ago

Uh, sure. Wait, where's the mod voice button. I can almost reach it... THERE WE GO.

[–]nickjenkem 57 points58 points ago

Hey everyone! This guys a phony!

[–]Bounced 98 points99 points ago

Rare, medium, or well done?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 418 points419 points ago

I love a tender pink center.

[–]doginabathtub 254 points255 points ago

Don't we all.

[–]masterhikari 111 points112 points ago

HIGH-FIVE

[–]Free_High_Fives 198 points199 points ago

DAMNIT I WAS LATE!!!!!!!!!!

[–]aptadnauseum 7 points8 points ago

HERE YOU GO

o/

also with beer for cheering

o/u

[–]Xintendation 85 points86 points ago

Any advice for an aspiring sleep depriver?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 324 points325 points ago

I think you mean sleep deprivee. I sleep depriver would be someone who doesn't allow another person to sleep. In any case, we all just have to carve our own path.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 489 points490 points ago

I'm unsatisfied with this response.

[–]SpelingTroll 28 points29 points ago

What is your favorite carving tool?

[–]derptyherp 53 points54 points ago

Why are you asking him? Clearly we should be asking OP these sorts of questions.

[–]CptOblivion 106 points107 points ago

Snowboard.

[–]captainzigzag 114 points115 points ago

I'd just like to say that this AMA is easily about three or four times better than Woody's.

[–][deleted] 42 points43 points ago

jokes on you; FOUR TIMES ZERO IS STILL ZERO!!!!111!!one!

[–]kathvic 39 points40 points ago

three or four? this is a million times better, I couldn't get through the first few comments on Woody's but this guy is amazing!

[–]scelton315 133 points134 points ago

I have you tagged as Split Personalities.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 534 points535 points ago

I have you tagged as "potential biggest fan".

[–]Poisonsmile 125 points126 points ago

I tagged you as "Doesnt like cheetos".

[–]Underyx 47 points48 points ago

I have you tagged as "potential biggest heatsink".

[–]treegrass 48 points49 points ago

I don't have you tagged at all. any suggestions?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 189 points190 points ago

Gods messenger?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 281 points282 points ago

Don't get religion involved

[–]HEmile 79 points80 points ago

Do you like monologues?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 308 points309 points ago

No. Can't stand them. When I read books I skip to the dialogues parts.

[–]treegrass 77 points78 points ago

what about triologues?

[–]ColonelForge 106 points107 points ago

That's just sick.

[–]grnat 44 points45 points ago

If you could punch 3 animals, what would they be? (In order from hardest punch to most tired punch.)

Edit, no question mark in my question?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 140 points141 points ago

Correct there was no question mark in your question.

[–]grnat 10 points11 points ago

Ah, ok thanks.

[–]Boldprussian 12 points13 points ago

Because ZargonsBeard hasn't answered, I will. Assuming they wouldn't fight back, I would punch a Hippo, an Orangutan, and an Alligator. Just because.

[–]grnat 8 points9 points ago

I like that you added reasoning and your logic was so sound.

[–]Oniwabanshu 63 points64 points ago

This is one of the most awesome AMA...can't stop laughing.

[–]Hunt3r_ 73 points74 points ago

Why do you ask yourself so many questions?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 331 points332 points ago

I'm afraid I don't understand the question. I don't ask myself questions.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 391 points392 points ago

Dude you've been talking to yourself this entire tim.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 481 points482 points ago

Who is Tim?

[–]Drewdle883 87 points88 points ago

The enchanter!

[–]projectrx7 49 points50 points ago

Some call me... Tiiim?

[–]Mcflexington 24 points25 points ago

Maurice*

[–]lemisset 57 points58 points ago

[–]Mustachio_Bandito 12 points13 points ago

The doorman.

[–]_deffer_ 11 points12 points ago

The toolman

[–]SnuggieAddict 59 points60 points ago

Favorite That 70's Show Girl - Jackie or Donna?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 265 points266 points ago

Soulless ginger, or beautiful Russian princess hmmm...

[–]cautioncarnival 50 points51 points ago

This is the greatest AMA I have ever seen. You, sir, are my hero.

[–]Wulibo 45 points46 points ago

16 hours ago you posted you'd be here for 8 hours. You stopped posting 15 hours ago, meaning you spent <2 hours replying. About 7 hours ago you replied a little more, which is more than 8 hours after the original post. At this time you bestof'd yourself. 2-3hours ago you started commenting again, and have stopped at least 2 hours ago.

With this in mind, it is difficult to say if you were able to stay up that time, or if something happened, etc.

I did the math, please dignify me with an answer. Please, in as much detail as you can without being ridiculous, describe your night.

[–]suilezrof 22 points23 points ago

If you had a time machine whould you go back in time or forward in time?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 123 points124 points ago

Both. Go back and invest. Then go forward and live comfortably.

[–]SomeCleverUserName 20 points21 points ago

that... is the best answer i've ever heard.

[–]there_will_be_a_test 38 points39 points ago

Are you still alive?

[–]ramrob 38 points39 points ago

Cobra or Mongoose?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 145 points146 points ago

[–]Oniwabanshu 13 points14 points ago

Snnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkeeeeee!!

[–][deleted] 35 points36 points ago*

You need 1000 MG of caffeine and a two liter of Mountain Dew to stay awake for 24hrs? I can do 24 hours standing on my head. It might be genetic though.

I was born in a country that was engaged in civil war in the 90s. One particularly gruesome week my mom, a surgeon, in her early 30s stayed up for 3 days straight and ate nothing that whole time. She says by the end of it she saw so many dead bodies that the living appeared as if they were dead.

Most of the people were brought in dead.

[–]reverend_bones 15 points16 points ago

Methinks it is time for you (and your Mom) to do an AMA, sir.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago

I'll ask her if she's interested in doing one, only if there is interest in such a subject though.

[–]sujetdirect 10 points11 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Dsch1ngh1s_Khan 19 points20 points ago

What is your primary source of caffeine?

[–]Fragmaster 42 points43 points ago

Went to ZarqonsBeard's page and upvoted everything until I got bored.

[–]daychilde 36 points37 points ago

Wasted your time, my friend. Votes on users' pages are ignored (or possibly ignored after a couple or few, at the very least).

[–]treegrass 30 points31 points ago

that's why you go to their page and hit permalink on all their comments, then go upvote all those.

[–]Fragmaster 37 points38 points ago

TIL how to upvote and make it count.