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I was raped repeatedly when I was 7 and 8. Years later when I told my parents, they blamed me. (self.self)

submitted ago* by ElyMinnow

I am now 31 and have a child of my own and am just now starting to come to terms with what has happened to me. The damage has been much more immense than I could have anticipated. However, I am actively working on improving. Please feel free to ask any questions you like. My hope is to help others with children understand the signs and changes that occur in a child who has experienced something like this and is actively hiding it.

The details: I was a lock-and-key kid. After school I would walk home and stay in the house with my sibling until my parents got home. During the summer, however, my mom decided to leave me with the next door neighbor during work hours. He was an elderly man, pleasant, and generally quiet. He would wait until my brother had gone out to play with his grandsons and then start with me. He was never violent. He would take me into the bathroom and expose himself and give me directions on what to do. I remember most of it vividly, and I remember it being surreal and dream-like. I had no real emotional response or fear, because I had no idea what was going on. I just followed directions. This occurred more times than I can remember during the summer when I was 7 and 8. I was a strong girl, and although I had learned somewhere along the lines what was appropriate and inappropriate, I didn't really connect the dots here, because in my mind those scenes of inappropriate touching I learned about were always about someone who was "mean" or "creepy" or "pushy" and you'd end up fighting and running away. This man was none of those things. He was a master at taking advantage of little children, and I was not the first or last.

EDIT: Thank you everyone for sharing your perspectives and personal stories. I know these stories are common - so common that Reddit even says so on its AMA sidebar - but I appreciate others sharing their experiences, and I'm sure many others do as well. I want to be clear that I am currently in treatment and am actively working on my issues. I'm still dealing with guilt and anger, often at myself for not tracking down this man, but I'm making headway nonetheless.

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[–]shady89 86 points87 points ago

How did your parents blame you?

Edit: Keep in mind you're awesome for getting through it and your parents suck for saying that to you. It is not your fault :)

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 78 points79 points ago

I told my mother when I was 12 and we were about to move out of state, so I finally felt "safe" to tell her. (Background: my father is bipolar and was untreated until I was in my 20's--but even treatment can't fix a jerkoff personality underneath.) My mother is the queen of denial ("everything's ok if you just smile,") so when I told her, her response at first was disbelief. Then she said, "But you know better than that! You shouldn't have let him do that!" Of course I was a crying anxious mess and trying to explain how I didn't know and didn't mean for it to happen. In the end she told me she didn't want to tell my dad, because he would go over and kill the man and we'd all be paying for it for the rest of our lives. She said she didn't want to talk to the man's daughter (the owner of the house) about it because she didn't want to worry her with it, and we were moving anyway so it would be fine once we left.

[–]caitygirl420 34 points35 points ago

I'm sorry. I had a sadly similar experience when I told my mother about my abusive relationship from barely 13 to almost 15. She said Dad would be too angry, and besides, I knew better than to 'let that happen'! I told them when I was a few months into 15... I didn't listen to her about Dad. He was quite understanding and angry at first but now laughs it off like Mother. It hurts more than if they had just both blamed me.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 38 points39 points ago

I'm so sorry you've gone through this as well. I truly believe the lack of concern from parents is much more damaging than the actual acts that occurred.

[–]SomeguyUK 12 points13 points ago

I find this to be a terrible reaction from your parents.This man could be out there abusing more children right now.It's their responsibility to do something about it, really.

I used to date a girl who was abused as a child.It messed her up royally and she ended up becoming a prostitute and all this other crazy stuff because of what it did to her mentally.She's still too scared to tell anyone about it, but I think she should because the guy could be out there still doing this stuff.

[–]ZenBerzerker 10 points11 points ago

"But you know better than that! You shouldn't have let him do that!"

Ouch.

[–]zerobot 9 points10 points ago

She said she didn't want to talk to the man's daughter (the owner of the house) about it because she didn't want to worry her

Of course, you wouldn't want to worry somebody over something as small and trivial as sexual abuse to children!

If I didn't know for a fact people like your mom exist, it would be almost unbelievable that somebody would say that.

Do you stay in touch with your mother?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 5 points6 points ago

Yes. I see her and speak with her often, because they live in town and want to see their grandson. Generally, I continue to pretend like everything's ok, though I'm not all there when I'm around my family. Not healthy of course, but it works for now.

[–]al0newestand 6 points7 points ago

If you could go back in time what would you say to her now?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 13 points14 points ago

Probably something along the lines of, "No, YOU should have known better!" That's just me being spiteful, though. If I knew of such resources, I would probably have called a therapist long before I spoke with her. I had met with school counselors but never told them what had happened, because it was "school" and I didn't believe it was really confidential.

[–]curvy_lady_92 4 points5 points ago

That's actually a fair thought. School counselors are not bound by the same restrictions as therapists: such as if there is sexual abuse, or physical, they are allowed to tell parents or report to authorities.

[–]swinebone 7 points8 points ago

they are allowed to tell parents or report to authorities.

That's the case with nearly all therapists and teachers, police officers, firefighters, doctors, nurses, etc. It's called mandatory reporting--if there is a definite risk of harm to self or others, many professions are legally required to report it. If they do not, they can be sued and/or be sanctioned by their profession's licensing board.

[–]AnEricaMonster 2 points3 points ago

Most schools now have a "special therapist " for children going through extreme things that ARE bound to privacy laws. I was lucky enough to get one, though I didn't take full advantage. This is a new thing but schools are making adjustments

[–]phamuraix 5 points6 points ago

It sounds like your mom blamed you out of denial from her own guilt, but it didn't sound to me like your dad was blaming you. It sounds more like the Joe Paterno scandal, where the moral fault lies in abstaining from action to prevent further abuse. I'm not saying it's your fault at all either, as I can't even imagine how this must have affected you, but try not to be too hard on your dad. I'm not sure how you're going to deal with your mother though. Has she since come to terms with it and apologized for blaming you? Or is she still in denial?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 4 points5 points ago

Still in denial. I think it's just her personality.

[–]JackiJinx 3 points4 points ago

Wow. I've never been sexually assaulted, but from your description of your parents, they sound almost exactly like mine. They tend to be blame shifters, and my father is by far the worst. For example, whenever he makes someone cry or upset, he'll come to them later saying something along the lines of, "Sorry that you're crying, but it's not my fault," or, "I forgive you" (for the record, he's an atheist). And my mom acts like it's normal, but considering how much worse she had it as a kid, I don't blame her for this mentality.

I'm just glad that most everyone in the house now is moving out soon enough to do their own thing, especially my younger sister. He made her feel stupid one night years ago by listing how many degrees everyone at the dinner table had versus how many she had, and added how she had less authority to speak and declare knowledge on anything, and as she told me later, she took as he was calling her an idiot and ran out crying. That girl never cries, and she's his favorite kid. Plus, she is absolutely the smartest, taking four different languages with ambitions for learning more, all honor classes that are available she takes, and she volunteers like crazy. It breaks my heart.

I can't wait for her start college already.

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[–]FloorManager 4 points5 points ago

Stop feeding trolls. Look at his name.

[–]hanimal68 2 points3 points ago

haha I got that after. (: I wasn't really paying attention at first because I was just kinda pissed. I wasn't gonna reply again once I realized it.

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]costellojello -3 points-2 points ago

Don't listen to them. You're a great novelty account.

[–]inked 2 points3 points ago

This is not something to troll. It's not funny.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 101 points102 points ago*

When I told my dad, I was 22 and it was New Years. I don't know why I felt safe enough to tell him, maybe because he was finally getting treatment (see previous reply.) He did say he was sorry it happened to me, but then he said that I am responsible for all the other girls this man might have abused between my incidents and the present day and asked how I could have lived with letting him do this to other girls while I kept quiet. He said he was very disappointed in me and that it was now my responsibility to bring this man to justice.

[–]qotsa73 146 points147 points ago

I'm no psychologist, but I think they blamed you because they couldn't bear the guilt themselves. It's shameful, cowardly, and disgusting to put that burden on a child. I am sure you know that the man who did this to you was to blame, as well as your parents, for not allowing you to feel comfortable enough to come to them about it.

I am so sorry that these adults betrayed you. You did nothing wrong.

[–]earliodookie 47 points48 points ago

I'm a supervisor in a resident hall on a large college campus so I do a lot of first-response counseling and a lot of counseling and psychological services referrals. I've seen many people through sexual assault experiences (past and present) and am even working on a week long program series fighting against domestic violence and sexual assault.

And qotsa73 is right. You did nothing wrong and you are NOT responsible for what happened to you and don't let anyone ever let you think otherwise. Your only responsibility is to yourself to move through this in an empowering way:

The first thing we always do with persons who survived assaults is to make sure they know they have power and control over their lives. Whether or not you press charges against this man should be entirely up to you. The point is that you get to decide the next step, not us.

I really think it'd be good for you to talk to counselor, or even just call one of the many hotlines available:

  • I personally refer people to RAINN's hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, they can refer you to a treatment center near you too.
  • I also refer people to Santa Monica RTC if they are in the LA area. I've been there and have got to see the facilities and meet the staff there and it's a good place. If anything, both these websites are great for information too if you are a victim or a supporter of a victim.
  • You can call these hotlines anonymously too if that's what you want to do.

Having support from friends and/or family members that you trust can help you heal from the trauma of a sexual assault.

Talking about the assault and its impact with people who are supportive and understanding can relieve some of the control it has over you and help you begin the process of recovery. You will also feel less alone.

Friends and/or family members who are supportive can also help you find the information and resources you may need after a sexual assault. They can also accompany you when you seek services, such as medical care or legal assistance.

You've obviously not found support from your family, please please please surround yourself with people that fully support you and want to empower you instead of blame you.

You're not to blame and I think you're amazing.

[–]rodgling 3 points4 points ago

I wouldn't say it was "your responsibility" to bring him to justice, and I certainly think it's shocking and untrue to say you are are responsible for all the other girls... but I think bringing him to justice would be a good thing to do. Do you intend to do this?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 4 points5 points ago

I wanted to at one point but I couldn't remember his name anymore, and I've tried to search by his daughter's name (which I'm only partially sure I remember correctly) but haven't been able to turn up anything--he also probably had a different last name than his daughter as she was married.

[–]Nommus 19 points20 points ago

Wow. I'm sorry he said that, because that it fantastically insensitive. Well done for fighting on.

[–]ben174 29 points30 points ago

I don't think your dad was blaming you for the abuse done to you, he just wants this man brought to justice as soon as possible.

He may have done a poor job being sympathetic, but please try understand he doesn't think you've done anything to deserve any abuse.

[–]RainiaR 5 points6 points ago

How is it a rape victims job to get the bad guy? Without proper evidence the person/CHILD could just be setting themselves up for scrutiny.

This is like telling someone who has been bullied that they didn't stop the bully from targeting other people.

Perhaps the victim was afraid? Ashamed? A child?

[–]iPoststuff 6 points7 points ago

But that's exactly what he did.

[–]JavaLSU 19 points20 points ago

No. He said she was to blame for all the future victims. It's incredibly insensitive, but he's not blaming her for her own abuse.

Is the same reason everybody was mad at Joe Paterno.

[–]digitalmob 14 points15 points ago

Not quite. She did report it when she was 12, still well below the age to do anything. If anything, it is her mother's fault, as she would be in a position to do something!

Paterno, on the other hand, directly found out the details when he was in a position to do something about it, and covered it up.

[–]JavaLSU -1 points0 points ago

Don't tell me this, I'm not blaming her for anything.

Also...for the record. It's exactly like Paterno. They both told their superiors and left it at that. This is just for the semantics. I don't blame her for anything. She is clearly the victim.

Paterno didn't cover it up, he just reported it one level up and didn't do any follow up.

The difference here is obvious, that she was a victim while Paterno just had second-hand knowledge and knew better. But her father blamed her for not stopping it. And of course, her incredibly young age.

Once again, her father is the one blaming her. I was just clearing up what he was thinking. Not me.

My only point is that her father did not blame her for getting molested.

[–]digitalmob 2 points3 points ago

I wasn't trying to imply you were. I agree, that the father is unreasonable.

Fine, Paterno reported it one level up, but there is the huge difference in age and ability to reason between Paterno and her. I believe Paterno was wrong, but she cannot be held responsible for her actions at that age.

[–]RainiaR 3 points4 points ago

Its NOT the same at all. Joe Paterno was not victimized. This is the difference. There is so much fear and shame and confusion that is felt by people/children who have been sexually abused. To put protecting others on their plate, when they cannot even protect themselves is cruel.

[–]shady89 2 points3 points ago

That sucks, this man definitely took advantage of you. Please don't ever blame yourself :)

[–]sneakatdatavibe -1 points0 points ago

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

  -- Edmund Burke (no source, commonly attributed)

[–]happyflasher 23 points24 points ago

Is it the fact that your child is approaching the same age that forces you to come to terms with this now? Or is it a feeling of being responsible for another life when you went so long feeling like yours may not have been worth much (ie. low self-respect/self-esteem)?

Which, of course, it is (worth much). By the way. The person you are now is just as strong/beautiful/competent (if not more) than if this had not happened to you. When did you tell your parents that this was happening?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 26 points27 points ago

Thank you, your response made me tear up. I think it's because I'm responsible for my child's life and well-being. I find I'm still hypervigilant in certain ways (I will never leave my child with any adult alone--there always has to be several adults, including family. I know this isn't fail-safe, but it's the minimum I can allow at this time.)

[–]solomonar 35 points36 points ago

The worse thing that could come from this is if you project your fears onto your child. Viewing everybody as a predatory child molester isn't healthy for you or your child. Sensible precautions should be taken of course but the vast majority of guys (myself included) love kids and always feel uncomfortable talking to them due to these unfounded perceptions and fears.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 24 points25 points ago

Thank you for sharing this. My husband agrees with your perspective. I know you are correct, and it is something I'm working on currently.

[–]Section_31 19 points20 points ago

To give you another perspective. I was overprotected by my schizophrenic mother and partly because of that, I am emotionally stunted, suffer from social anxiety and likely a lifelong Forever Alone.

Everything in moderation.

[–]Aloveoftheworld 1 point2 points ago

Im more of a self shut in myself but...im pretty fucked with dealing with people...

Doesnt help i really cannot hear at all (Deaf in the left ear right one is pretty bad )

[–]solomonar 1 point2 points ago

No problem, stay strong and I'm sure you'll be a better parent to your child

[–]ozzeh 2 points3 points ago

Viewing everybody as a predatory child molester isn't healthy for you or your child.

I was recently assigned to be a network administrator for a school district that happens to have its main offices in a middle school. I cling on to my ID badge for dear life because that is exactly the mindset that half of the moms seem to have.

[–]Captainpanda55 9 points10 points ago*

Sometimes I think the best parents can come from learning from their shitty ones. My dad never really seemed to care about me and would ignore me for most things. I haven't seen him in years and last I heard he's lost his job again thanks to alcohol. If he's taught me anything though, it's how not to treat my future children or my life. Your experience is an abhorrent thing and I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, but dammit if you're not going to give your child the best mother he or she could ask for.

[–]seamonkee 14 points15 points ago

My biological mother's boyfriends and/or their sons molested and raped me around the same ages when I'd stay over at her place on the weekends (she was/is a cocaine addict and an alcoholic, who was molested as a child herself), and when I told her about it at 13 she called me a whore and all kinds of other "wonderful" things. I was so ashamed I bottled it up and didn't tell my parents (father and stepmom) until last year (I'm currently 34) when I finally started seeing a therapist about it. Like you, I had no idea how much it permeated me and my choices for 25 years.

Stay strong and you aren't alone. If you ever need to vent or commiserate, feel free to PM me.

[–]cocoabeach 2 points3 points ago

My daughter and I have butted heads almost all of her life. she was a good kid that never got in trouble but very strong willed. If she had ever come to me and said someone was molesting her the last thing I would do would be blame her. If I had been single and had girlfriends and they or their kids had hurt her I would have broken up with them that instant and hurt them in any way I could get away with. I would believe my daughter no matter what because she has never lied to me. And no I'm not a stupid parent that doesn't know his daughter has lied to him. I have 3 other kids that did indeed lie to me. I don't hold it against them, most kids do that.

I am so sorry your mom is trash that has treated you like that. I wish I could hug you and tell you, you don't deserve to be treated that way.

This is not to defend your Mom, what she did was beyond awful. After years of trying to understand my Mom, I figured out my Grandmother screwed her up, and that my Grandmother's Mom had screwed my Grandmother up. I don't know My great-great Grandmother, she probably was the same way.

You on the other hand can stop the cycle. My pastor had a very dysfunctional family, he grew up to be one of the best Dads I have ever met. I know his kids well. They love to come home with their kids and have large family parties, and they are strong and independent. People in the community held them in such high regard that when a kid wanted to go to some big party all they would have to say was Pastor xxx is letting his kids go, and they would get a free pass. So yes you can be abused as a child and come out the other side not just an OK parent, but a wonderful super parent.

[–]seamonkee 1 point2 points ago

Luckily I have great parents (my dad and my stepmom who have been married since I was 2) who have loved me unconditionally my whole life. I'm very lucky that I have 2 great parents to replace 1 unstable one. Intellectually, I know it's not my fault and my biological mother was beyond capable of being a good mom. Emotionally, however, scars are scars. They take time to catch up to the logical side :)

Thank you very much for taking the time to care. As odd as that sounds, I mean it.

[–]cocoabeach 2 points3 points ago

My daughter is actually my step daughter but she also was a really young kid when I married her Mom. I love her a bunch. Fortunately her real Dad and step Mom have turned into great parents also. She probably does not know how blessed she has been. She has never experienced life like you have had.

[–]jaggazz 14 points15 points ago

As a father of an 8 year old and an 11 year old, one of the hardest things I have done as a parent is fostering an environment where they feel comfortable telling me or their mom whatever they want. We work on it daily, but still aren't there 100%.

This is not your fault, it was your neighbor. You cannot accept blame for something done as an 8 year old. If you didn't feel safe telling your parents, it was their fault for that.

Do you live in Minnesota now?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 7 points8 points ago

I'm in the deep south. I agree with fostering an open sharing environment. It is my ultimate goal as a parent to build this level of trust. The part I'm still working on is the reaction response being appropriate and not overprotective. Thanks for sharing.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 33 points34 points ago

Looking back, I see there were red flags that many people would have missed. I became an anxious child. I worried excessively about what others thought of me and took many things to heart that were not serious. I also became a perfectionist and would work myself to the bone to be perfect in school. I spent much more time inside, watching TV or reading or doing things that would allow me to disassociate. I was ALWAYS well-behaved, never rebelled, never got in trouble. While some children show classic signs of abuse and act out or show increased aggression, deviance, or odd behavior, others become perfect role-model children that never cause any problems. I think it makes it exceedingly difficult for parents to see what's going on underneath.

[–]Austaph 48 points49 points ago

Everybody is different. I was molested by an uncle for 5 years of my childhood. I was in advanced classes, "talented and gifted" clubs, played many musical instruments, got 100's on all my schoolwork, but my report cards were always C's/D's. My abuse manifest in attention-seeking behaviors, playing a jester, disobedience, trying to draw attention away from the abuse or hold up some kind of facade because (once we started learning about sex ed)... inside I knew something was very wrong.

My abuse was completely different, though. It involved a lot of porn and foreplay to get me to enjoy/want it. I grew up thinking I had done something wrong or thinking I was gay. I was so afraid that someone would find out "the sick things I've done" so I'd throw as many red herrings as I could by acting like a menace.

I revealed the abuse to my parents when I was 15. My dad immediately left the house and presumably went to find his brother and put him in the hospital, I don't know what happened that night and I'll never ask him. We aren't in contact with anyone on my dad's side of the family anymore except his aunt. I still sometimes blame myself that my father is segregated from his family, but I have to remind myself that they're subhuman scumbags.

We tried to press charges, but there was no physical evidence, he wouldn't say anything, and my cousins wouldn't come forward and admit that he'd done it to them too (I know he did, we used to always sleep over there on the weekends and they lived only around the corner from him.)

Anyway, that's my story. I don't know why I just told reddit all of that.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 14 points15 points ago

Wow, I'm sorry you went through this and that there was no way to press charges. Did you parents ever ask you about your behavior? Was it a change from your previous self?

[–]Austaph 23 points24 points ago

It's a really long story (everyone has a lifetime of stuff to tell), but after I told my parents about the abuse they fell into a kind pit of guilt. I started seeing a psychologist and numerous therapists/counselors, taking medication. My parents were understanding but inside they were blaming themselves and they both fell into a deep period of alcoholism, and we'd fight a lot (as 16-year olds do with their parents). While all of this was going on I dropped out of high school, got my GED, and enrolled myself in college because I couldn't handle the stress and peer pressure. Being 16 in college inevitably led to 3 years of furious drug abuse, jail, and rehab. Sometime during all of that my parents quit drinking and started attending AA (they have over 10 years sober today).

After rehab I still dabbled in partying, but I never let it get a hold of me the way it did when I was younger. I ended up finding a horrible job so I could spend all of my money on bills for a shitty little disgusting apartment, met a girl, gradually found less shitty jobs, married her, created a daughter. I finally returned to college when I was 26 - now I'm 28 in my 2nd year Computer Science, but I want to get my BA in Engineering. Life is hard but I'm moving forward and maintaining Dean's list, working on securing a letter of recommendation to the university that I want to transfer to. I'm too old to worry about anything except what needs to be done, and I pretty-much survive on 3-hours of sleep a night so I can have time to spend with my family during the day and still study enough to get good grades.

TL;DR - Sexual abuse can really fuck a person's shit up, and takes a long-ass time to recover from.

[–]misplaced_my_pants 2 points3 points ago

Here's a blog I think you'll find helpful about efficient study habits.

Here are some representative articles to get you started.

Check out Anki, too.

I figure this might help you do even better at school and while giving you more time to spend with your family (and sleep - that shit's important, too).

[–]Austaph 0 points1 point ago

Looks like invaluable information, thanks. Bookmarked them and I'll read them over the weekend.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

I made a question in another thread which I want to ask you, too. Here it is. Thank you if you take time to answer!

[–]cocoabeach 3 points4 points ago

It sounds like you and your father are better off not having a relationship with his family. I never have understood how families could stick by a someone who has abused a child in the family. Somehow you become the bad guy because you ripping the family apart is a bigger sin then the abuse. These people are really creepy. They are sick. They are the slime that poisons the human race.

It sucks that your parents went of the deep end with the guilt thing, but in the end that is a hundred times better then blaming it on you.

[–]curvy_lady_92 4 points5 points ago

Sorry this is so long, first off. So, the only other people I've ever said this to is my current boyfriend, and more recently, my mother. When I was very young, five or so, I was molested by my cousin for what seems like forever. I was about 8 when I figured out that it was wrong, but the last case of harassment was when we were about 11. He exposed himself to me and told me to give him a blowjob. When I told him no, that it was wrong, he said, "If you tell anyone, they'll never believe you. And if they did, you would ruin this family."

My mother had been molested similarly by a different relative at a young age, and so, always told us that if someone ever did that to us, we were to tell us immediately (actually, most of the women in our family have been- my sister was at a young age as well, by yet ANOTHER family member). However, I knew my cousin was right- at least about ruining our family. So I kept quiet.

This lead to me becoming almost EXACTLY the same as you did. I refused to go to my aunt's house, where I had previously spent an enormous amount of time. And shied away from any and all contact with other people. Looking back, I think it has had a major factor in my awkwardness in social situations today.

I was so ashamed, so I just buried it deep inside me, creating much more damage than it would have if I had said something. I kept quiet for years, finally breaking down and telling my current boyfriend after a few months of being together (he didn't understand my insane distrust of men, which I still have, or my severe discomfort at being touched (particularly sexually, as he was my first), which has lessened after nearly two years together). He has never blamed me, but he doesn't bring it up for fear it will upset me, so he let's me talk about it when I feel able to or want to.

Eventually, I gathered enough courage to tell my mom. She was devastated that she couldn't save her daughter from what she had been exposed to as a child (which is when I found out that she had also had the same problem), but she told me to keep quiet about it, that it was over and done with. I haven't confronted him or his mother, and I mostly try to forget it- school sponsored therapy didn't help, because, like you, I didn't think they would keep quiet. I've thought about getting real therapy and seeing if it could, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that step.

Keep your head up. You didn't deserve anything, it WASN'T your fault, and know that if you ever need someone to help, there are those of us out there who will do our best to.

[–]jaskmackey 2 points3 points ago

I'm so sorry all that happened to you and your family, but I sincerely hope you can muster up the strength to get some professional therapy someday soon. It can change your life.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

I made a question in another thread which I want to ask you, too. Here it is. Thank you if you take time to answer!

[–]solomonar 12 points13 points ago

What happened to the neighbour? Do you think he harmed others?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 14 points15 points ago

I assume he did. Honestly I don't know what happened to him. He was in his mid 70's and on oxygen when he was taking care of me. I couldn't remember his name, but I remember exactly how he looked. Once I went back to my old neighborhood when I was visiting from out-of-state, and the entire house was different with other people outside, so I think they may have moved.

[–]solomonar 12 points13 points ago

The disturbing part for me (other than your experience itself if course) is that apparent ease at which he did this, I wonder how many other lives could have been affected because he wasn't caught

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 7 points8 points ago

This was a long time before the internet and the public registered sex offender database, but even so, I don't think that many people look at the number of listings in their area.

[–]MrJinx 9 points10 points ago

How has this affected your relationship with your parents? What did they say when you told them about this? Did they try and deny that the whole thing happened?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 17 points18 points ago

I think what I'm most ashamed of is the fact that I somehow still have a relationship with my parents. The "fighter" part of me says I should have kicked them out of my life, but I haven't. And I still fake it with them, especially now since they have a grandson. I have told my mom how much their responses have hurt me (much more deeply than the actual incidents), and she just cannot fathom how I can still be dwelling on it and that I should just let it go. It's so hard to do that. I personally feel forgiveness is a 2-way street. It takes both sides admitting to their shortcomings to move forward.

[–]zpgjne 10 points11 points ago

While it may be true that it takes both sides, what I gather is that your mother is being very insensitive to your situation and your feelings. Your feelings are important, and the selfishness of your family to ignore this fact is enough to justify consequence.

Although it was very difficult, the emotional abuse I faced from my mother as a child made me realize that it is okay to distance yourself from people in your life that don't genuinely care about you. Only you can know how to properly take care of yourself. Surprisingly enough, once I moved out and took control of my life (and stopped paying attention to her bullshit), she finally started treating me with respect. I still keep my distance though, I know better.

I don't know if this helps, but I guess what i'm trying to say is just because they're family doesn't mean it's okay for them to treat you that way. I hope things work out for you regardless of what you decide to do.

[–]gracesw 6 points7 points ago

For your mom to be sensitive to your feelings and accept that you were victimized this way means that she has to feel guilt and shame over having put you in this situation and for her initial and continued reactions to your communications about it. Many people aren't able to cope with those kinds of negative feelings about themselves - that's often what makes an alcoholic or addict reach for their drug of choice, or someone else to repress or deny their feelings.

At some point it has to be less about getting her to acknowledge these wrongs and more about you dealing with the trauma and developing continuing coping strategies.

I have had to do this with my parents. It is tough and I cut off contact with them for a few years. At this point they are quite elderly and my position is that as the people they are, they are incapable of ever acknowledging or responding to my traumas in the way that I once hoped they would and indeed they can't even understand that lack in themselves. For me it would be like expecting a child to express the same mature understanding and empathy - it's not going to happen and it would be unfair to expect that of a child that is incapable because of their stage of development.

We do have a relationship now and it is a strong one that is as close as possible, but it is also one where I am no longer the child, but the parent. My relationship with them is similar to the relationship that I have with my maturing children who are not yet completely independent.

[–]RainiaR 1 point2 points ago

Thank you for sharing this, I have a hard time understanding how or why a parent would behave this way and you pretty much cleared it up. Thanks.

[–]gracesw 1 point2 points ago

I think part of the difficulty in getting this understanding is that they are our parents and we seek their approval and comfort. When our parents behave this way whether we are a child or at some stage of adulthood, we feel it is because there is something wrong with us. When we can separate from those feelings and not worry about what our parents judgment of us might be, then we can address the relationship with our parents from a position of maturity, compassion, and self acceptance.

[–]geowars 1 point2 points ago

Why is the OP ashamed of having a relationship with their parents?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 1 point2 points ago

Mostly pride. If it were black-and-white I really wanted to take care of myself I would do like others have suggested and get away from people who do not care or support me emotionally. But they do show support for other aspects of my life, so it's mainly bittersweet. I am still having to work on forgiveness. It still seems far away, but I'm trying.

[–]RainiaR 1 point2 points ago

Forgive me for saying, but I think the only person you really need to forgive is yourself. Of course you want whatever support your parents can give, we all need support. I tend to believe that gracesw is correct and that these people may be stunted. Its about taking care of yourself, my opinion is that you are doing well.

[–]sandity 0 points1 point ago

I was a very serious child that had basically been treated like an adult my whole life.

My stepfather was a 2-case-a-day beer drunk with a pill problem, who thought that I (a 12 year old girl) was plotting against him. So, he spent most of his time limiting our contact with our mother and isolating us from everyone while withholding food and telling lies about us to everyone who would listen.

Today, I have what I would consider a good relationship with my mom and stepdad.

I forgave them because I understand that they are flawed people. My mother was younger than I am now, and was desperate and scared. My stepfather has since gotten treatment and has been off the stuff for almost 20 years now. I haven't forgotten what happened, but I understand it. It wasn't right, but it made me into the woman I am today, and I wouldn't go back and change it if I could.

What I am saying here, is: they don't have to acknowledge what happened for you to forgive them. Forgiveness isn't necessary. If you can't do it right now, that's ok. Most people aren't inherently good or bad, but a mix of both. If the good outweighs the bad for you, it's perfectly fine to let things be as they are. If the bad outweighs the good, then you should objectively look into why you maintain contact. That, and forgiveness doesn't mean no regret, and it doesn't mean you have to forget.

And either way, you are a strong woman who was shaped by her experiences into who you are today. You may be bent a little from it, but you didn't break. And I appreciate how strong you are for yourself, and your husband and your son. There is no "should" in forgiveness if it's not time for that, so don't feel guilty that you still resent some things.

If something shaped you, it was important. If it was important, why would we forget it?

[–]joelupi 6 points7 points ago

First off thank you for having the strength to share this with a group of relative strangers.

No one aside from people who have been through something similar can even remotely know what it feels like. I'm sorry that your parents tried to pin it on you but as in cases of sexual assault it is never your fault, and I hope, despite your parents saying those things you never blamed yourself.

You sound like a very brave and strong person and I'm sure that along with seeing how your patents treated you through all this will help you raise your child to be an equally good human being,

For yourself there are networks out there to help: therapy, group sessions and the like. Of course, as always the choice is 100% yours but if you do want to talk to people, aside from those with names like HoboOperative and steamed_ham (there is nothing wrong with these guys just saying) there is RAINN, The Voices and Faces Project and of course local rape crisis centers.

I have no questions, just wanted to say Thank You for doing this, maybe somewhere at sometime another person who has been abused will see this and have the courage to stand up and say something or if they can get themselves out of the situation.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 3 points4 points ago

Thank you for your kind words and sharing these resources. I have taken advantage of some of them in the past. There is still much work to be done, but I'm on the right path now.

[–]centipedeseverywhere 7 points8 points ago

I volunteer to anonymously beat the crap out of your parents. Just putting that out there.

[–]Ophie 6 points7 points ago

How much did it affect your teenage years growing up, as opposed to your peers?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 12 points13 points ago*

I think I had become very adept at faking a persona. I remember feeling generally disassociated from everything and everyone but would fake being happy, conversational, and social. I spent my time at home in my room. I was certainly depressed, but I was in a household that didn't really "believe" in depression, so I just muddled through it. While other people seemed somewhat carefree, maybe stressed here and there about schoolwork, social life, etc. I was thinking of morbid things, of running away to another country, occasionally of suicide. At the same time I was fragile, anxious, and hypervigilant. I was called into the counselor's office more than once. I had very little self-respect or esteem. Later, in college, I began cutting to deal with the pain.

EDIT: I know many of these traits are not terribly abnormal in teenagers dealing with a variety of issues. I think that's why it was hard for anyone to pinpoint, "oh, this girl was raped--that's why she's acting this way."

[–]countingchickens 5 points6 points ago

I was in a household that didn't really "believe" in depression

With a bipolar dad?! Those are some almost admirable avoidance skillz.

Seriously, though. My sister and I were abused as kids, and my mom beats herself up for not noticing at the time. No way I would have gone to her then, though, since she was totally zonked on depression. I watch my sister with her kids, and am amazed at their relationship - her kids trust her to handle any information and situation, and she listens to them and takes them seriously even over small concerns. It seems to me that it's more important to have open lines of communication than to watch for any signs - especially since, as you say, many of the signs look like normal teenagerhood. Then again, I'm not a mom, so I hesitate to say I know anything about parenting.

Anyway, props to you. fistbump

Oh, and if your kid is a girl, check out Neil Gaiman's Blueberry Girl, it's a beautiful expression of what (I assume) we all want for our girls.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 2 points3 points ago

I think you're right on that.

[–]djdalek 2 points3 points ago

(((hugs)))

[–]bossoline 3 points4 points ago

Wow...this is all sorts of fucked up, like most abuse cases. I know you love your parents, but their reaction is unbelievable. It's cowardice...hiding from the fact that they put their child, however unknowingly, in harms way and deflecting their shame onto you.

On that note, I think that everyone needs to step back and realize that there is only one responsible party here. You, being a child, were not responsible for what happened, nor were you responsible from protecting the world from a sexual predator. Your parents aren't to blame either for trusting a friendly senior to watch their kid. He's the only one that's responsible for this horrific situation. Remember that.

I sincerely hope you've received some therapy. These things don't go away until you address them. I hope you can talk through it and get some support before it comes back to haunt you.

[–]chrismsx 0 points1 point ago

I just found out that a neighbor girl of one of one of my friends is having this happen at about the same age it started happening to you. In this case the guy is the girls uncle and he got caught because the girl told my friends daughter in detail all the things she did with her uncle. My wife was also sexually abused growing up so this hit her especially hard and it sickens me how common this crap is. I just don't understand. Is there anything we can tell our children to better prepare them for a world where monsters like these guys exist? It makes me so scared to have children.

The fact that your parents blame you is puzzling, how can you blame a 7 or 8 year old for something like that?

I really hope that the help you're getting is the help you need and I'm so sorry that man took advantage of you. Hopefully your experiences can be used to help save other children. Honestly I'd like to ask how you were effected by the event as you grew older, the neighborgirl I spoke of doesn't know anything she did was bad, like you and I wonder how that weighs on you as you grow?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 2 points3 points ago

I think I would be a different person if I had 1) received a supportive adult response and 2) started therapy soon after. It sounds like this little girl is being protected now by family and friends, and pairing her with a gentle therapist can make all the difference.

The changes I experienced were slow and insidious. I started using food to comfort me and go numb, I became introverted when I was previously extroverted, I became hypersensitive to cruel words and criticism, I started having panic attacks, I ignored my body and feelings, I used sex to connect but felt nothing. It was a gradual progression over years, maybe a decade or more, but I never spoke with a professional about it until I got pregnant an was terrified for my child. If you can get that little girl talking about it in a healthy loving environment she can grow from this much more quickly and effectively than I have.

[–]Radiosucks 1 point2 points ago

I'm sorry to hear this happen to you, for what it's worth, from a complete stranger who read your story, It's not your fault.

[–]Tygerlily 0 points1 point ago

It's stories like this, that most children are afraid to tell their parents, anything. I'm truly sorry that you had to go through this. To me, kids and teens are so vulnerable, and when they confide in the closest relationship, the blame or denial happen. Denial, so much now, cause our parents weren't part of the "Internet" society, and didn't really have so much info of "sex offenders" being in the area. Or have the knowledge as to how to deal with this kind of "emotion."

Since you are older, Do you regret telling them anything back then? Or would you have waited till now, to tell them? Do you think their response would be different now?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 2 points3 points ago

I think I do regret telling them, but if I told them now as opposed to then, I don't think their responses would be much different. I'd like to think that if I told them now and they reacted the same way that I'd be better at defending myself. Though, when I was 22 I could have defended myself loudly but instead just clammed up. So I'm not sure.

[–]Apsalar 1 point2 points ago

Firstly I want to say that it was and is not your fault; neither the abuse nor the inability to communicate it and punish that man. In my opinion a parent should be your first and best advocate - the one to shoulder as much of the burden (of prosecution, therapy, repair) as they are capable of - not out of guilt that it happened but out of love for their child.

Have you considered possibly volunteering at a local woman shelter or crisis hotline? While facing that sort of trauma again would be very hard I suspect learning how to help another in a similar situation might empower you or even help you move past your parents inability. It sounds like you may be ready to use your experience for change.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 0 points1 point ago

I think that is a wonderful idea, and it would be a very good way to give back. Thanks for the suggestion.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

It should be a crime to blame a rape victim.

[–]MrFairladyz 0 points1 point ago

I wish you the very best in your treatment. I hope your situation improves.

[–]direbowels 0 points1 point ago

Did you ever forget it for a long period of time?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 0 points1 point ago

Yes. It resurfaces during times when the subject comes up (others' stories, movies, and moreso now that I have a child).

[–]wally1001 -1 points0 points ago

I see alot of these on Reddit, all rapists and child abusers should be taken out and shot. No fair trial, no jury, no taxpayers money wasted. Just a bullet to the head. Done! On to the next one! Kthxbye.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

What if you were yourself a pedophile? Would you shoot yourself?

[–]wally1001 0 points1 point ago

Yes.

[–]barrioenobras 0 points1 point ago

I'm so very sorry for you. I believe in your strength to overcome your issues.

[–]OvidNaso 0 points1 point ago

I'm glad you had a child before you came to terms with it.

[–]thebabbster 0 points1 point ago

My mother went through the same thing, only it was her father doing the raping, and the mother saying "shut the Hell up". I wish the response you got was an uncommon one, but it isn't. In my mind, the person telling you to be quiet, or who is blaming you, is also a rapist.

[–]LoveLight824 0 points1 point ago

Ely, I can relate completely... this happened to me as well, since age 5... but it was my cousin when my parents went out of town for speaking engagements with Amway.... and not only my cousin, but my step-grandfather as well... separately... what are the odds that yet another would have tried to molest me (who was my cousin's grandfather! -wonder if he did that to my cousin too...)

It all came out when I was 14 and they didn't believe me at first except that my mom had caught my step-grandfather in the act so she was the only one who believed me... I didn't know how to handle it and tried to kill myself so many times.... After a year in an outdoor wilderness treatment center as a teenager, I was less suicidal but years later (i'm 28 now...) I am actually grateful for what happened to me because I wouldn't be who I am today.. I am engaged to be married and we want to have a family, but I am very nervous about it... I don't know what a "normal"/"Healthy" family should look like... How do you protect your child? How do you leave to go to work or anywhere without CONSTANTLY being by your babe's side???

Another thing is that my fiancee nearly hates my family now because they never did anything about it.. the offender *(cousin) still walks free, tho is alienated from the family... He says "the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to stand by and do NOTHING." And while I agree with that, I have accepted my past and want to move on... I don't know how to handle this new situation.. What would you do?!

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 1 point2 points ago

It sounds like you're in a stressful situation, but it sounds so familiar. My husband also harbors resentment towards my family, but he has always maintained that it is my decision whether I wish to see them anymore and that he will support me in any path I choose. A couples therapy approach has helped us a lot with reconciling this, and he has made peace with his feelings and wants only for us to be happy as our own family grows. I cannot recommend therapy enough, both individual and couples--this tragedy you've gone through (and it's absolutely abhorrent that you had 2(!) family members take advantage of you) affects you the most but also seeps through towards your husband and eventually your child.

Any work you can do on yourself before you are pregnant is good work. It is hard but so so worth it. I will say that I dealt with nearly crippling post-partum depression for 2 months, but I had people I knew I could talk to (other mothers AND professionals) who helped me through it. There is no weakness in having an arsenal of professionals at your hands to help you through these major life changes, and your money will never be better spent than on helping you learn to cope with the challenges that lay ahead.

My baby had colic, reflux, and was premature--that would stress a lot of people out--not just someone like me with a propensity towards anxiety. But after 3 months, he was a different baby, and I was a different mother. It took that long for us to really fall in love, and it has been so different since. Once I got to that place, I felt more confident in my own abilities to trust others. Don't be afraid to rely on institutions to take care of your child. I researched and scouted daycares until I found one that I felt comfortable with. I won't leave him alone with my parents. It's fine, because it's my decision and not anyone else's. It takes time to "become a parent" and stop being your parents' child. I still struggle with that role to this day.

You know that feeling of not being all here, of feeling like you're on the brink of floating away or disappearing into nothingness from the crushing weight of your own worries, insecurities, reactions to others, and the horrors of the world? After having a child, it's like having your feet tethered to the ground and putting on a Kevlar vest. You are finally grounded, and you feel stronger than before and like you can take some of the garbage the world throws at you for once. You are also inducted into an exclusive club. I had no idea how many mothers there are out there with any type of lifestyle you can imagine who are ready to talk to you, give support, and build friendship.

I am confident that if you are thinking about motherhood the way you've described, with doubts and insecurity, that it means you will be a wonderful mother--one who reflects and works to improve herself as she grows. Though you may feel crushed by those insecurities and self-negativity at times, I promise you that the love you will feel (if not immediately, eventually) for your child and the family you are building will be greater and more life-changing than anything that has happened to you so far in your life. Cheesy? Yes. True? You're goddamned right.

My advice: start/continue working on yourself. Make TIME for your self-work, not excuses. Recruit your husband to hold you accountable to this important work. Have at least 3 people (1 professional) you can talk to about how you feel without judgement or provocation of anxiety. Write. Talk to your husband and have one more honeymoon before you get pregnant (better yet, while you're trying to get pregnant). ;) Wishing you the best.

[–]LoveLight824 0 points1 point ago

That was beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes... I have been thru sooo much counseling and therapy that I felt like I NEVER wanted to go back, but I know it helps... It helped me so much over the years. But I'm actually kind of a therapist also, I just finished the first year of my 2 year certification program for Eden Energy Medicine (check it out! www.innersource.net) (and also a Licensed Massage Therapist, Reiki Master, and Wellness Coach, among other things) and I am confident that I will be able to use many tools, including talk therapy, to heal myself and my familiy... It just takes time and willingness.. It is soo hard sometimes and I get beyond overwhelmed, I just want to crawl in a dark hole and NOT come out. Especially with all the things that need to get done, my never ending to do list is probably my biggest source of anxiety lately - I should be happy with that! But I know more is coming if I continue on the family road... I desperately want a family someday and to heal us and to be happy and normal.. and I know that can happen.. I guess I'm just scared that i'll fark something up because i've become OH SO GOOD at self-sabotage, if you know what I'm sayin.. I definitely don't work on myself enough or spend enough time with myself .. I try to make it a point but with everything else going on its so hard... I can't even imagine trying to make time for myself WITH a kid... Its very discouraging.. I don't understand how people AFFORD LIFE!!?!?!?! I feel utterly broken-hearted by this world already...

About the offenders, there was actually 3 relatives and 3 non relatives who took advantage of me, but only 1 of the relatives was blood related.. About my family, there have been MANY occasions where I wanted to NEVER talk to any of them again, and that was WAY before I met my fiancee.... so having him to back me up almost made it easier to shun them but at the same time, i don't want to because I DO love them and want to forgive them.. so torn...

Ps. cheesy is good, I embrace it..

After Ps. Thank you SOOO much for taking the time to offer your guidance and experience... I know one day, I'll look back and remember you and give you a mental high five ;o)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

I made a question in another thread which I want to ask you, too. Here it is. Thank you if you take time to answer!

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 0 points1 point ago

I understand where you're coming from with this question. Part of me really wants to say that yes, it was all society-driven trauma. However, I think it was a subtle mix of both. I do agree that our society places such a taboo on this subject that it can place tremendous pressure on victims who have not come forward/pressed charges. This can certainly add to the feeling of violation. When I officially "learned" about sex, this whole thing came back and felt like being bludgeoned with a sledgehammer. Realizing after-the-fact the true implications of what had happened (this was not special or different or something some people just did, it was simply an old pedophile taking advantage of a kid)--that hit hard, that I was taken advantage of, that I didn't know. I felt like an idiot. But the real life-changing pain for me came slowly after telling my mother, realizing (again very slowly) that I was not important enough to her to defend or even get help for. When I told my dad, I was so used to being guarded that it was easier to go back to being closed after his response.

But, for me--when all this started happening, I think I knew to some degree that something was not right. I was forced to become more aware of my body in a way I wasn't ready to process. To me it was just my body and not a source of pleasure so I didn't understand this man's fascination with exploring it. I started using TV and food to pull away from whatever it was that must have made me at least uncomfortable--this all started happening relatively quickly. The anxiety, perfectionism, and chronic numbness came slowly over years but my coping (or lack thereof) with the situation at the time started me down that track (the eating led to numbness, etc.)

I don't think your question is insensitive at all. I do think it is a combination of both immediate trauma/family trauma and societal pressure.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Thank you very much for the response! I'm just a young (18 yo) guy who tries to figure out how the world works - I was honestly scared I may offend you with such a question. I feel so sorry for you! But be strong! And all the best to you and your child!

[–]Tackeon 1 point2 points ago

Ugh this sounds horrible. I have an 8 year old and a 12 year old and don't even want to think about something like this happening to them! I'm sorry you went thru this. What do you think is the lasting impact on you as an adult?

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 1 point2 points ago

The numbness. Dear God, the NUMBNESS. I spent so much of the past decade being numb to everything. Occasionally I'd wake up and go back and forth between being checked out and generally oversensitive. Things have settled down now, but I still go numb when I'm around my family (which is often, because they're in town and have a grandchild now.) I don't feel much like an adult and still don't know how to express anger very well. I'm trying not to be too overprotective of my child, and I'm making some small progress.

[–]bug_mama_G 3 points4 points ago

This may not be a helpful thing to say but I wanted to let you know that I am a mom and I still don't feel like an adult. "Adults" always know what to do and I'm still getting by one day at a time. The abuse may not be the cause of some of feeling all of that, maybe it's just how everyone feels.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 1 point2 points ago

Actually this is good to hear

[–]geowars -1 points0 points ago*

Can this part be clarified?

I had no real emotional response or fear.

Because obviously the abuse was emotional otherwise we wouldn't be discussing this, would we?

Also, doesn't a child know what is inappropriate? (Edit: This was aimed at the part where you said that he didn't fit the stereotype. It sounds counter-productive to [inaccurately] tell a kid what to look out for instead of teaching them how get help).

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 4 points5 points ago

Hard to explain, but at the time I don't recall feeling anything (this could be dissociation from the memory.) I believe I knew it was wrong, but it didn't "fit" in my preconceived notions of what a really wrong/inappropriate situation was because there was no major feeling of pressure, stress, violence, or panic. He was very gentle, spoke softly, and didn't give away any sense that I was pleasuring him at all. I believe looking back that I did know it wasn't quite right but was sort of shell-shocked (sorry, not the best term to use.) In the weeks after it began, I started spending more time indoors glued to TV to distract myself. I do remember feeling extreme guilt over it when I was older but not yet 12.

The real emotional side of it comes from not being able to tell my parents what happened for as long as I did and expecting so much from them but getting something completely different.

To clarify: when I was 12 and my mom responded as such, I was GRATEFUL because I just wanted the whole thing to go away and move out of state. It wasn't until later that I realized how messed up her response was.

[–]lenster18 1 point2 points ago

Is it at all possible that your mother thought over reacting or jumping into full force mama bear mode would have affected you negatively at the time? When you told her, you had already begun to realize what he did was wrong, but maybe you weren't panicked or outraged yet (all your descriptions seem to indicate the whole thing happened calmly). I think your mother exploding with rage might have made you feel more violated because suddenly it was a BIG DEAL and you were a serious victim. I'm not saying that it isn't a serious violation, but the way you decide to react as a parent or role model might not be the true display of your feelings.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 1 point2 points ago

This is a very valid point. I have the memory seared in my head a certain way, but it is from my perspective as a 12 year old. My interactions with my mom regarding the subject since that time have not indicated she was angry or felt remorse, but you are correct in the she may have reacted in fear (this is my therapist's primary theory.)

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 6 points7 points ago

I suppose all others who posted here are fake? Or that all people who share these stories online are fake? Because you said so. It may be true I am not in the best position to share signs compared to a professional. But there's no reason to misconstrue my telling this story as maleficence. Of course I have a psychiatrist. He's not the one who I talked to about doing this. Connecting my posting this story to my abilities as a parent is beyond a leap, and your hostility speaks to your own issues which I hope you are working on with said professionals.

[–]RainiaR 2 points3 points ago

I for one appreciate you sharing your story. I find it healing to hear others stories.

[–]sandity 1 point2 points ago

As do I. Too often our silence is our prison, and it helps to see that you're not alone and that it happened to and effected others the same way.

[–]cocoabeach -4 points-3 points ago

In this case it is not the sexual assault that caused the problem. You were taken advantage of but you were not really harmed. The man broke the law and is as far as I am concerned evil but he did not force you and did not physically harm you. Two broken knee caps, a public flogging and a few years in jail would have been about what I feel he deserved.

The real problem is how your parents handled the situation. You were betrayed by the ones you loved.

My story compared to yours is almost nothing but it seemed like much more at the time. I am not going to bore you with the details.

For years and years I would occasionally bring up the subject with my Mom and ask her why certain things happened when I was a kid. She would just tell me that it was all water under the bridge and that I should let it go. She never understood my need to know. She thought it was enough that she was now a good parent.

Finely one day I tried again and she gave up. She told me about how much she hated living with my Grandmother. How much mental abuse she had to put up with. There was no cussing or stuff like that in her family, but the abuse was no less hurtful. To get out of the house, as soon as she turned 18 she lied to my Dad about being pregnant and he married her. She didn't really want to be married, but back then that was just about the only way for a girl to survive. She got pregnant for me. He abused her. She got divorced. Met a man, got pregnant, married him. He adopted me. She divorced him. She got married again and again.

All this led up to her telling me, "I never wanted kids, I wanted to finely be allowed to be a kid, I thought you and your sister were a curse from God".

She never really asked to be forgiven, but I finely understood her and forgave her. When I forgave her, I felt much better. This does not mean I forgot what she did, but now I just remember it with some of the details I didn't know at the time.

Later I found out my Grandmother was screwed up because her Mom was screwed up.

You can break the cycle. You can be a super loving parent. Your past does not define your future. You can chose to put your kids first for a while, until they grow up and are on their own. Yes I did say your kids come first. That does not mean though that you do not take care of your and your spouses needs. It just puts them a fraction of a inch below your kids needs for a few years.

On the other hand, don't become a slave to your kids because that will warp you and them.

All the best and a cyber hug from me.

[–]Thormic -3 points-2 points ago

Rape your parents. Tell them it was their fault.

[–]suninabox -4 points-3 points ago*

He was never violent. He would take me into the bathroom and expose himself and give me directions on what to do. I remember most of it vividly, and I remember it being surreal and dream-like. I had no real emotional response or fear, because I had no idea what was going on.

Sounds like you may have retroactively convinced yourself it was a traumatic thing from the sounds of it.

I'm assuming once you got to the age you were capable of processing what had happened properly you'd already been conditioned to believe that what happened was horrific and that you've been "ruined"/"violated" and such, and it was only at this time that you have a strongly negative response to what happened.

By similar standards, I've also been "raped" as a child, although by another kid who was slightly older.

However assuming we're talking about a similar type of thing, it wasn't really "rape", as I wasn't forced to do anything (though I was told to do things), and there wasn't any violence. Obviously there is a meaningful distinction between two young kids who don't really know what they're doing, and an old man with a young kid (which is a serious breach of trust placed in the old dude), but in terms of what the actual experience was like, I'm not sure our experiences would have been too different. namely being led into sexual experiences we weren't old enough to process, by someone older than ourselves.

The only difference in my case being that my "rapist" was of a similar age to me, so it wouldn't have been legally classed as rape I don't think (not to sure on the law on this).

Non of the experience was particularly pleasant or unpleasant, although it was a little bit unsettling and a little bit exciting. The only really negative thing I could take away from it would be to process it via the lens of what I've been taught, that I had an unsolicited sexual experience as a young kid so I should now feel like something awful has happened to me.

I've certainly had far more unpleasant experiences as a kid (getting sick, tripping over and getting hurt, having a pet die etc) that I have forgotten about because no one expects someone to treat it like a big deal and therefore I haven't.

I would say its almost certain that more "damage" has been done by how you've been taught to process the event after it happened than the actual event itself.

In people's eagerness to prevent and pursuit child rapists, I think much has been lost in terms of how we actually help children deal with these experiences, and how much of a self-fulfilling prophecy we make if we constantly tell kids they should feel awful about things like this.

I would say the idea that ANY sexual experience a young person has under a certain age must automatically be more damaging probably causes more damage than it prevents.

I'd seriously recommend re-evaluating what you currently feel about the experience with how you actually felt at the time. How many things that you feel bad about it are retroactive thoughts (i.e. I was abused, I should have told someone earlier, I should have dealt with it differently), and how many are actual traumatic memories of the event as it happened?

Would you honestly say that the experience(s) you were involved in felt worse than the shame you may have felt afterwards? Bearing in mind that shame is a learned emotion based on your expectation of what other might think of you (i.e. that you've done something wrong). Or the anger you felt after you learnt that this was something you were supposed to feel angry about?

To quote Epictetus : Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.

[–]ElyMinnow[S] 1 point2 points ago

No, the shame was far far worse. And much of it seemed self-inflicted, whatever that may say about how I was raised. The shame was most intense after telling my mother. I felt like I had disappointed her. By the time I told my dad, my response was more disbelief and anger. The anger grew over years. I can see where you're coming from regarding the learned response theory. I really don't know if that is the source of my anger, but I can definitively say that it started to brew shortly after telling my mother. Despite my wanting to run away and cover it up, I knew I had basically been told I wasn't worth much--and I think my anger started there.

So no, I don't have any real animosity towards the perpetrator. I think your theory is interesting though and will read up on it more. Thanks for sharing the link.

[–]suninabox -1 points0 points ago

Cool. I don't mean to offend anyone if they've been a victim of serious abuse and find what I have to say upsetting. I'm only speaking from a place of trying to be honest and deal with this stuff in the most healthy way possible.

However I feel like we as a society could be doing massive damage to thousands of kids by piling on unnecessary emotional anguish to kids because we're too obsessed with how child abuse makes us feel and don't care enough about how the victims are feeling.

The idea we have kids feeling ashamed to tell their parents things like this shows that there's something wrong about how we're talking to our kids.

There seems to be an almost self-indulgent hysteria to peoples attitudes surrounding child abuse. That they want it to be such a life wrecking horror so they can feel self righteous against the perpetrators. This in turn encourages too responses towards children, either denial, or strong encouragements to feel bad, neither of which help the kid.

I think from victims of serious abuse (i.e. the kind you don't need anyone to tell you is harmful), to grey area/borderline cases such as ours, it seldom helps things to encourage people to feel bad about whats happened.

Although the borderline cases are potentially more egregious because you're taking something that wasn't necessarily a traumatic experience for a kid, and heavily encouraging them to develop a lifelong complex about it, which is potentially far worse for them than if they had been traumatically abused (assuming they didn't have the complex on top of the abuse)

I would advise you to potentially think about reframing your experience on your own terms, rather than on societies terms. though its difficult to tell what really went on with you due to lack of information, it sounds like you didn't necessarily have a typically "abusive" experience.

If you're telling yourself "I was raped", you're taking on board a lot of the emotional baggage that comes with that term in our society. That you were violated, used, abused, ruined etc, which is not necessarily representative of what the experience was like at the time, but its going to make you recolour those memories to fit the labels.

When I was in my early teens I began processing what happened on a conscious level, and I did experience a few pangs of doubt about whether something bad had really happened to me, but it was a feeling transposed onto what happened based on what I thought I was supposed to feel, not what I actually felt at the time. I felt like if everyone says this kind of thing is horrible then I should feel horrible. Thankfully my parents were very comforting and relaxed about it, and I managed to craft my own interpretation of events without just absorbing the idea that I had some kind of trauma.

However, I can only imagine how much worse I would have been made to feel about it if it had been with someone much older than me, and as a result my parents viewed it as some huge trauma that they made me get counselling for and what not. Also if police got involved I could see how that could make me feel deeply uncomfortable if not handled extremely sensitively

I think the fact it is absolutely unacceptable for adults to be messing around with kids needs to be completely separated from how children are dealt with in these instances. Direct the shaming and the metric fuck-ton of drama and negativity on the adult who's betrayed their charge as guardian. Give the child the reassurance, comfort and guidance to process and deal with whats happened without adding on to the anxiety/shame they may already feel from what they have picked up about sex from society at large.

For me I don't view what happened to me as rape or abuse because I never really felt anything particularly negative at the time. It wasn't something I instigated, but I wouldn't say it was against my consent, I just kind of went a long with it. Maybe if I had tried to stop it things wouldn't have gone well for me and it would be a lot more traumatic than it was, but regardless that wasn't the experience I had. I view it more as an exploratory experience.

[–]faggaren -4 points-3 points ago

you sir are a coward. i hope you dont bring ur children to be grown up fucked up.....

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